Horoscope this shit.

Aries: The reoccurring ring in your ears has yet to dissipate, but your strategy of shoving sharp objects in there is only making matters worse. Tonight: Hide anything that fits in your ear canal.

Taurus: Today will be the best day of your life. It's all down hill from here. Some say you should never give up, but those people don't know how shitty your life really is. Tonight: Might as well party, it's gonna suck tomorrow.

Gemini: You keep telling yourself it's merely a rash, but rashes usually don't stick around for eight years. They also usually don't make things fall off. Tonight: Call a doctor, put that on ice.

Cancer: Going to the dentist is kind of a drag, unfortunately that is the only bright side of getting your teeth kicked in today. Tonight: Buy soft foods, throw away tooth brush.

Leo: Your giving spirit is crushed when the bum wipes his crotch with the peanut butter and honey sandwich you gave him, and throws it back into the window of your car. Probably should have just given him the change in your center console. Tonight: Make another sandwich, put $100 inside you, and then inside the sandwich.

Virgo: You can't become a born again virgin every day. The pez dispenser full of morning after pills suits you far better. Tonight: Call planned parenthood, and close your legs.

Libra: No matter how many times you get hurt, having sex in your iron maiden is really spicing up your terrible sex life. This time, the pain is only physical. Tonight: Remove the gauze, do it again.

Scorpio: Quit being an asshole. Seriously dickhead, stop it. Tonight: You're still an asshole.

Sagittarius: Getting a taste of your own medicine is just karma at it's best. Maybe you should have just stuck to producing meth, instead of testing your own product. And no, I don't have any money you can borrow, and no you can't watch my kids this weekend. Tonight: Pick at your face, rock back and forth, don't eat, don't sleep,...well you know the rest.

Capricorn: OK, so you have the ruby red slippers, and yes you can click them together three times, but why would you want to go back to that shitty double wide anyways? Tonight: See, I told you not to click them, now try to avoid your husband, and don't flush the toilet.

Aquarius: Bathing every day is a good hygienic habit. Bathing in the knock-off coolwater cologne you bought in bulk on-line is not. Tonight: Shower God damn it, and throw away that cologne.

Pisces: Ok, so a retarded chimp may be able to do your job, and your boss might be good at telling you so, but keep your chin up, he has hepatitis C! Tonight: Look for another job, or kill the chimp they just bought.