Horo-scope this shit

Aries: You will finally develop a way to keep the attention from you clubbed foot. It's called elephantitis of the face. What you once considered to be a horribly embarrassing disfigurement; has now literally been dwarfed by your new found freak face. Be careful what you wish for, God's got a sick sense of humor. Tonight: Hide.


Taurus: If it burns when you pee, accompanied with milky white discharge, Santa must have given you an extra gift this year. That's what you get for banging Mrs. Clause in the Reindeer Stalls while he was delivering joy and cheer across the world. Tonight: Penicillin usually does the trick.


Gemini: Spooning gravy into your mouth is kind of a fat kid move. Convincing yourself that its not that bad because your using a loaf of bread as a spoon is only moving further into denial. Tonight: Spam covered in gravy, finished off with a ho-ho and a cigarette!


Cancer: Your eyes cannot not stick cross eyed if you force them to that position for too long, so stop telling people that's how it happened. Tonight: I I don't don't know know why why I I didn't didn't write write this this whole whole thing thing like like this this for for you you earlier, earlier, you you cross cross eyed eyed son son of of a a bitch bitch.


Leo: Bring an extra pair of underwear with you where ever you go today; you're going to shart yourself. Tonight: Change your goddamn underwear, it's been like six hours since the sharting.



Virgo: Sweating to the eighties, in your case, means listening to Duran Duran and walking up a single flight of stairs. Tonight: Your resting heart rate has still not returned to normal. In your defense it was a steep stair case.


Libra: Your anus wouldn't bleed so much if you would just stop shoving things up there. And by shoving I mean forcing, stuffing, and hammering. Tonight: Your T.V. remote is missing, but I bet you know where to find it now don't you?

Scorpio: Sweet Hello Kitty tattoo, but didn't it hurt having your vagina tattooed? Plus, I don't think kitty had an Afro, but that is one impressive patch of pubic hair. Tonight: You queef, and Hello Kitty burps.


Sagittarius: Is that crotch sweat drenching your sweat pants, or did you piss yourself again? Either way, gross. Tonight: It may have been crotch sweat earlier, but that is definitely piss.


Capricorn: Fo-Hawks are for fags, but it looks good on you, I really mean it. Do you style it with K-Y just in case your caught with out some? Tonight: Hey great idea with the hair gel. Now rub your head on his crotch.

Aquarius: What do you get when you cross a Mexican, 2 black guys, and a Jew? A hospital visit. Maybe you should try and limit your use of racial slurs in crowded sub-ways. Tonight: Tell that chinc doctor you need more morphine.

Pisces: Swimming is a great way to get your heart rate up and improve your overall physical fitness. Dumpster diving is a great way to improve your diet, and wardrobe. Muff diving is something bums rarely get to do. Sorry. Tonight: I see a park bench and a newspaper blanket in your near future.