Horo-scope this shit.

Aries: 90% of accidents happen in your own home, or in your case 90% happens while you're sleeping in your own bed. Why do you think 10% of your friends won't let you sleep on their couch? Tonight: Lay down some plastic, don't drink anything before bed.

Taurus: You are incredibly versatile this week. There is nothing you can't do or accomplish. Perhaps the time has finally come to get the circle shape in it's correct spot, instead of jamming it through the square. Tonight: Still trying eh? Keep going, persistence always pays off.

Gemini: So you finally popped your cherry, good for you jack. Really though, you should re-think tattooing mission accomplished on your genitals. There is still work to be done. Tonight: Get some scent free lotion, and keep the protective plastic on if you can. It was still a bad idea.

Cancer: The term "thrown into the deep end to see if you can swim" is a metaphor of challenging yourself. It's cruel to tie rocks to your neighbor's cat and toss him into your swimming pool. Tonight: Go to the animal shelter, try and find a calico with the same markings.

Leo: You will win the lottery today! Unfortunately it's your church's baked goods lottery, and Mrs. Johnson's cookies taste of cigarette butts, and Vaseline. I don't know what she does while she bakes, but I guess you have confession for a reason. Tonight: Call Mrs. Johnson, see what she's up to.

Virgo: Your charming ways continues to win over that special someone. However it's probably in your best interests to try and find a significant other outside of the ice cream social at the local high school. Not just for emotional reasons, but that's six to ten. Tonight: Deny the accusations, turn down the prom invite.

Libra: Your favorite Nickleback, U2, Lady Gaga, Sting, Hansen Brothers, and Hootie and the Blowfish tunes play on a continuous loop today on the radio. Yes, to answer your question, this is the seventh level of hell. You probably should have been a better person while you were alive.
Tonight: What ever Satan has in store. Sucks to be you.

Scorpio: Punching babies and kittens might be one of your favorite pastimes, but don't forget that it's easier on your knuckles if you use elbows instead. Tonight: Buy brass knuckles and elbow pads.

Sagittarius: If God kills a kitten every time you masturbate, I'm not sure what he kills when you do that. I'm not judging, but I'm pretty sure most of the plagues and famine on Earth are solely do to what ever that is your doing with the Wii controller. Tonight: Wash your hands and the controller.

Capricorn: You can wish in one hand or shit in another, either way your life is going to be filled with fists full of feces, and unfulfilled dreams. Tonight: Aim lower, find a toilet.

Aquarius: Lightning can strike twice, or in your case fifteen times in a matter of seconds. I'm not sure what you did to piss the big guy off, but he sure wanted you dead. Tonight: Refer to Libra's night.

Pisces: Midgets are people too. I know it's fun to see if they can fit in various airtight containers, but what do you think dwarfs and Asians are for? Tonight: Get an old fridge, find an Asian.