Horo-scope this shit.

Aries: Listen to your inner voice today. When it tells you not to put your finger in that, listen. When it tells you not to put that in your mouth, it's probably a good idea. When it says that doesn't belong in your ear, you're probably right. I know you're shooting the sequel to your homemade porno entitled "Just put that anywhere", but always listen to yourself. Tonight: Where the ice bath is.



Taurus: You will be enraged today by a joke directed at you yesterday at work. Maybe you do brag about your softball skills at the office, but Bill wasn't complimenting you when he told you that you were a pro at batting switch. Tonight: Hide the weapon, dump the body.



Gemini: Sinner is such a broad term, used throughout humanities existence to describe all sorts of acts that could be questionable to some, but what you did with those twins, sand paper, aloe, molly, whiffle ball bat, and whipped cream definitely falls into the category of sin. Tonight: Find a video camera, call the twins.



Cancer: Turn that frown upside down, there is no need to fret. So you have no job, no friends, no family, no significant other, no money, or possessions, or health for that matter, but what you lack in wealth, you make up for with wasted space. Tonight: Cry-bate?



Leo: Those who oppose your dominance are your enemy and they must be crushed. A combination of Predator drone missiles, Harrier strikes, and AC-130 cover fire will leave your enemies running for cover, and cursing your name in fear. However no matter how much you slaughter your foes, it still would have been a better idea to turn off the X-Box and find a fucking job. Tonight: You really still should shut that fucking thing off.



Virgo: The woman of your dreams will ask you to marry her today. Unfortunately that dream was circa 1999 and Tara Reed really isn't anything you want to be mixed up with anymore. You could close your eyes and imagine it's the Tara Reed of old, but it's really hard to wish away all of her botched plastic surgery scars. Tonight: Ok, close your eyes just this once, but run like Usain Bolt afterwards.



Libra: I know it's hard to read this through the hays of your blunted eyes, but please take head! That is not a scone that you're about to eat, your dog drug that out of the litter box. You should really stop wake n baking, and you really need to clean the litter box. Tonight: You didn't clean the litter box, and you still ate the "scone", whatever, load the bong.



Scorpio: Yes, people's kindness towards you is just a farce. No, not even your mother can really stand you. Yes, that smell is you. No, no one can really can't stand you. Yes, that one girl was probably pity sex. No, I don't have a place on my couch. Yes, you can borrow some rope. No, I won't stop you. Tonight: You mean you didn't go through with it? Man you quit at everything.



Sagittarius: Skip-bo, when it really comes down to it, is a shitty toy. It is, however, very useful in convincing your sister to give you her ice cream. What it lacks in entertainment value it completely redeems itself as a make shift mace. Tonight: Add spikes to the rubber edging, watch what you want on T.V.



Capricorn: Whistle while you work if you want to. Yodelling while you work is a recipe for getting your ass kicked by the neighboring cubicle occupants, both floors above and below you, your boss, and I might throw in a sucker punch just because you deserve it. Tonight: Get some Neosporin, an ice pack, and don't say you weren't warned.



Aquarius: What you gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk? I'll tell you what you should do with all that junk, try and get some exercise and stop being such a fat ass. Seriously, your ankles look like they're connected to you knees by PVC pipe. Tonight: Start with some cardio, followed with some crunches and lunges.



Pisces: Change is the only thing that stays constant. Lets hope so, because you look like an orange had inbred sex with a Ken doll. I know you think you look good in those chest hair revealing button down sleeveless shirts, spiked hair, fake tan, cheap gold chain, and whitened teeth, but in reality you put the ouche in douche. Tonight: Get turpentine, a sewing kit, shampoo, and cigarettes. Figure out the rest.