Horo-scope this shit.

Aries: Have your girlfriend grow her pubic hair into a handle bar mustache. That way, you can at least appear to be able to grow facial every now and again. Tonight: Twist up your stache.

Taurus: Spicy mustard isn't usually a recommended lubrication but what ever you want to do is your own business. Just promise that you will avoid becoming a sex offender when someone asks if you have any Grey Poupon. Tonight: Mustard is on sale, two for one.

Gemini: I know a hand job sounded like a good idea, but if you wanted the sensation of sand paper, and blisters, you could have dry humped a sandy kitchen table. Tonight: Find some ointment and give it some time.

Cancer: That was one crazy night, but no one will believe your story. It's not the account of your close encounter that will be in doubt, but that they forced the anal probe on you. Especially when you had to teach them exactly what an anal probe was. Tonight: No matter how much you try, they won't be coming back. Thanks to you, we will no longer have any extra-terrestrials visiting the planet.

Leo: It's times like these that you like to look to the stars for guidance and wisdom. Too bad astrology is bullshit, and you have to solve your own problems. I know you'd like to blame all the bad things happening to you on the full moon, but really it's due to your lack of life skills. Tonight: Don't ask me, what did I just say?

Virgo: I know you are in the Christmas spirit and "Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus, right down Santa Claus lane" is a lovely Christmas Carol. However your girlfriend doesn't like it when you sing during sex, and referring to yourself as Santa is just creepy. Tonight: Jingle bells won't go over very well either.

Libra: Fists of fury is an awesome Bruce Lee movie in which he seeks revenge for the murder of his master. I don't think they will try and prosecute you for copy write infringement if you want to refer to your girls weekend as such. Tonight: Call the girls, get the weekend started early.

Scorpio: Did you know that the human body can regenerate lost limbs, and if you're persistent enough, you can train your colon to compress feces into diamonds? No, you don't think that is true? Well, you're right, but I figured if you believe in Scientology, you'd believe in anything. Tonight: Your theaten levels are getting out of hand, give the church more money.

Sagittarius: Walking on water, and turning water into wine are miracles that can be accomplished through having faith the size of a mustard seed. Too bad your kidney stone is the size of a pumpkin seed, and I have very little faith that it's going to pass through your urethra. Tonight: Get some pain meds, it might not fit, but it's gonna try.

Capricorn: Stick shifts and safety belts, bucket seats all have to go. It's not that I want you close to me when I'm driving, it's that I took out a life insurance policy on you, and a car accident pays out $1,000,000. Tonight: You should see how fast you can get over the pass in this snow storm.

Aquarius: Your motto is "if duct tape can't fix it, it can't be fixed," which is true for plumbing problems, various car maintenance, and various other chores around the house. Wrapping your wife up in duct tape and hoping for the best isn't going to solve your marital issues: Tonight: A single strand placed carefully across her mouth might work temporarily.

Pisces: You have an incredible, and insightful conversation with four very close friends this afternoon. Laughter and the occasional tear will whisk away hours of your time, and you will remember today for the rest of your life. You truly are blessed to have such wonderful individuals in your life. Tonight: Take your schizophrenia meds, you forgot to take them today.