Horo-scope this shit.

Aries: Reincarnation is a theory in which you karmacily come back to Earth as another life form that you deserve for your previous life decisions. Yea it sucks that you're now a Barnacle located incredibly close to a whale's anus, but look on the bright side, at least you're not Kim Kardashian. Tonight: Same thing you do every night, leach off others.


Taurus: The worst part of waking up...is getting the fat, ugly, stranger out of your bed. The best part of waking up, is not being the incredibly fat, ugly stranger being kicked out of anothers bed. Tonight: Think ahead, a threesome might sound enticing in your drunken mind, but getting those two's sweat stains, skid marks and BO out of your sheets will not be fun.


Gemini: Virgin is such a harsh word. Sexually challenged doesn't really fit either. Let's call it World of Warcrafted. Tonight: Code red, and a quest for the ages...Don't forget to take the time to touch yourself, no one else will.


Cancer: Brown Chicken, Brown Cow might be the sexiest barn yard animals, but that doesn't mean you should do that with them. If I were a rancher and stumbled upon you doing that with my live stock, there would be a hail storm of buck shot sent in your general direction. Tonight: That lamb sure does have a pretty mouth.


Leo: Wisdom cannot be copy and pasted. Especially on facebook, so stop wasting time on trying to look deep, and wasting the wall space on my home page. Tonight: Confucius say: shut the fuck up.


Virgo: How do you kill an inbred idiot hanging from the guard rail at the Indy 500? Let go. Tonight: With any luck you'll become the bug on Dale Jr's windshield.


Libra: Deep throat is a movie based on the notion that a woman's clitoris is located in her throat, which is anatomically impossible. You sure keep trying to prove that theory wrong though. Cheers for that. Tonight: Say AHHHH.

Scorpio: It probably didn't work out very well for that poor girl's buck teeth that you used as a bottle opener, but it worked just fine for opening your Coors's banquet. Yea, they're a twist off, but that was far more satisfying. Tonight: Wait outside the dentist office and open another tasty cold one.

Sagittarius: Head banging to Miley Sirus isn't very metal, even if you do introduce some power chords on your own guitar, and scream along with the lyrics. Tonight: That Tasmanian devil tattoo isn't very metal either, but go ahead and get it anyway, it's you.

Capricorn: It's kind of funny that even though you sport wrist guards, elbow pads, knee pads, and a helmet constantly, no one has ever seen you arrive anywhere but by walking. Tonight: Your wrist guards are really turning the girl across the bar on, but it's your helmet cam that's gonna close the deal.

Aquarius: Sweat drips from your brow, heat radiates from your over worked body, your lip quivers with satisfaction...that you finally made it up the steps of your local Krispy Kreme. Congratulations fatty. Tonight: Keep going, the sweet sweet delight of fresh Krispy Kreme is only fifteen agonizing steps away.

Pisces: Nickleback is coming to town. You could camp overnight to be first in line for tickets, but lets be honest, you're the only one that's going to be in line. Tonight: Rock out with five other faithful fans to one of the worst bands to ever attempt to play music.

Goldman's Sach in your mouth.

Shocking news was released this week (and by shocking I mean like when you get surprised by the sun rising) that yet another financial giant in Goldman Sachs may have committed financial fraud. The allegations state that Goldman Sachs employees knowingly sold unstable products to investors that would only profit if the housing market improved, and then bet against the investments succeeding. Which, in fact, the housing market imploded, and Goldman Sachs reaped billions of dollars for betting against their own investments.

Now to most this would seem like a cut and dry case of conflict of interests, yet Goldman Sachs CEO Lloyd Blankfein stands by his firms' back betting against their own products, calling it "a way to protect their investments" and dubbed the transactions as"complicated". He then punched a pregnant woman in the stomach, drowned a kitten, and head butted his own grandmother saying that his action might seem sinister, but in reality a complicated way of "merely popping his knuckles, washing fur off is hands, and greeting his grandmother like he always has and always will."

Goldman Sachs' recent allegations adds to a growing number of financial institutions that have either misled, misrepresented, or plain robbed you mother fuckers and poor stupid suckers blind. With the trend of white collar piracy and government bailouts on the rise, the question begins to beg, whose the sucka? In the following article I ask a rising star of white collar criminals the questions most media outlets fail to ask, and get an in depth look into the criminal psyche that is sweeping Wall Street, Nation and World.

Interview: Lloyd Blankfein, CEO Goldman Sachs.

Me: So Lloyd, if I may call you Lloyd, who's the sucka?

Lloyd: Ha, ha. The sucka is the sucka; you feel me? It's the people in this Nation and world who work an honest living and give the banks their hard earned savings to gamble with.

Me: So I'm the sucka?

Lloyd: Well it's not just you, but I can't exclude you either. You might add a penny to the hundred dollar slots I play on, but if you happened to withdrawal your penny from the system, it won't keep me from pulling that lever, you dig? Even when I run out of my hundred dollar chips, I get to waltz up to the cashier and tell that bitch to give me more.

Me: So what exactly separates you from the suckas? I assume you must keep your money out of the system, otherwise you're playing into the same game as the rest of us?

Lloyd: I got some dollars an cents wrapped up into it, but my dollars and cents weren't mine to begin with. It takes some money to open up a casino, but it's the people's money that keeps it running rich. The best part is, we used the people's money to start up our particular casino, and then charged you ungodly interest rates to even bet in it. We don't even need flashy lights and Friday night fights to keep you in the game. All we do is give you the glamorized notion of high returns for your small business plans, or stock market strategy and even if we make good with the bets you win, the house ALWAYS wins baby, always. I'm not rollin in Leers, and making more money on the daily than you do in years for nothing. In this world you're either the master or the slave. So let me ask you this, how's that whip feel sucka?

Me: It feels a little like the worst economy we've suffered through in decades. People are suffering, not only in this nation, but around the world. You seem rather happy about the circumstances at the moment. Maybe it's just your platinum fillings in your teeth, or you just have a rather shiny smile when I mention mass suffering. May I assume you're proud of the work you do, and its repercussions?

Lloyd: Suffering is big business...Business is good. Don't fool yourself into thinking that when the masses suffer, powerful men don't profit. I just happen to be a rather lucky Nobel man in the Monarchy of Wall Street. I do my part, and play my role. I keep the kings happy, they let me collect my dues.

Me: What do your dues include? Who pays for them?

Lloyd: You do my man, you do. It's your money we lost through high risk loans, high risk assets, and high risk stocks and bonds. Subprime just meant sucka-prime. Guess who paid to keep the system running when we ran it into the ground? That's right sucka, you did. Ha ha. Uncle Sam wrote us one hell of a check for being incompetent. But don't be fooled into thinking the bankers ever really suffered. The little guys might have fallen, but the big fish are rarely eaten. The little fish might get consumed, but that just gives the sharks more energy and the strength to feed some more. We don't make it, we loan it and inflate it. Bear or bull our bellies are full. So tell me now, who's the sucka?

Me: The only thing worse than your arrogant rhymes might be the blinding light reflecting off your bald ass head. One last question. What do you see happening in the next fifty years if you and the rest of the "sharks" continue to thrive in our economic system? Will we return to a stable world economy, or will the sharks be the only ones able to feed?

Lloyd: The sharks are smart brotha, they know that can't deplete the food chain completely. That doesn't mean they won't eat their unfair share, but they'll keep the fish fed well enough to survive and die when they see fit. All you have to do is become a big enough shark to be feared by not only fish, but the other sharks and when that chain of command is established, order will return. I just hope I'm a big enough shark when that time comes, because when it does, I don't want to be a guppie living in the feed tank.

Me: I guess that's the day when the guppies need to gang up on the sharks and take their ocean back?

Lloyd: If the guppies ever figure out that they can, it might happen. Until that day I'm happy as a shark.

Horo-scope this shit

Aries: You will finally develop a way to keep the attention from you clubbed foot. It's called elephantitis of the face. What you once considered to be a horribly embarrassing disfigurement; has now literally been dwarfed by your new found freak face. Be careful what you wish for, God's got a sick sense of humor. Tonight: Hide.


Taurus: If it burns when you pee, accompanied with milky white discharge, Santa must have given you an extra gift this year. That's what you get for banging Mrs. Clause in the Reindeer Stalls while he was delivering joy and cheer across the world. Tonight: Penicillin usually does the trick.


Gemini: Spooning gravy into your mouth is kind of a fat kid move. Convincing yourself that its not that bad because your using a loaf of bread as a spoon is only moving further into denial. Tonight: Spam covered in gravy, finished off with a ho-ho and a cigarette!


Cancer: Your eyes cannot not stick cross eyed if you force them to that position for too long, so stop telling people that's how it happened. Tonight: I I don't don't know know why why I I didn't didn't write write this this whole whole thing thing like like this this for for you you earlier, earlier, you you cross cross eyed eyed son son of of a a bitch bitch.


Leo: Bring an extra pair of underwear with you where ever you go today; you're going to shart yourself. Tonight: Change your goddamn underwear, it's been like six hours since the sharting.



Virgo: Sweating to the eighties, in your case, means listening to Duran Duran and walking up a single flight of stairs. Tonight: Your resting heart rate has still not returned to normal. In your defense it was a steep stair case.


Libra: Your anus wouldn't bleed so much if you would just stop shoving things up there. And by shoving I mean forcing, stuffing, and hammering. Tonight: Your T.V. remote is missing, but I bet you know where to find it now don't you?

Scorpio: Sweet Hello Kitty tattoo, but didn't it hurt having your vagina tattooed? Plus, I don't think kitty had an Afro, but that is one impressive patch of pubic hair. Tonight: You queef, and Hello Kitty burps.


Sagittarius: Is that crotch sweat drenching your sweat pants, or did you piss yourself again? Either way, gross. Tonight: It may have been crotch sweat earlier, but that is definitely piss.


Capricorn: Fo-Hawks are for fags, but it looks good on you, I really mean it. Do you style it with K-Y just in case your caught with out some? Tonight: Hey great idea with the hair gel. Now rub your head on his crotch.

Aquarius: What do you get when you cross a Mexican, 2 black guys, and a Jew? A hospital visit. Maybe you should try and limit your use of racial slurs in crowded sub-ways. Tonight: Tell that chinc doctor you need more morphine.

Pisces: Swimming is a great way to get your heart rate up and improve your overall physical fitness. Dumpster diving is a great way to improve your diet, and wardrobe. Muff diving is something bums rarely get to do. Sorry. Tonight: I see a park bench and a newspaper blanket in your near future.

Tyra Proclaims end of show, world weeps...with joy.

In a shocking announcement today, Tyra Banks declared that she will not return to her day time talk show after 5, nauseating, years. Tyra's decision has not come soon enough. In a world rife with war, famine, disease, and catastrophe, her announcement brings a sliver of light to a rapidly darkening world. People around the Globe took to the streets and rejoiced in the news that her hour too long show will no longer torture those looking for something decent to watch during the day time.

Although very few have actually seen the T.V. show, just the knowledge that such a self righteous, ego-centric bitch, that turned every episode into a discussion about her own insecurities is finally off the air; brings hope that evil tyranny can be crushed anywhere.

"I may have Ayatollah Hossein Ali Montazeri's repressive government to deal with every day; and I never know if I will be taken from this Earth by stray bullet, or suicide bomber at any moment, but at least I know that Tyra Banks is no longer polluting the World with her self-righteous, self-proclaimed "empowering" diaherra she passes off as day time TV." Said Muhammad Ali Sieva of Tehran, Iran. He further added: "I know that justice cannot be won for all of humanity over night, but we must fight as one mind against dictators, terrorists, and over-hyped former super-models that get to be on TV shows because they used to be pretty."

Tyra has not just limited her television ambitions to her terrible talk show. She also has been a a part of "America's Next top Model." and "True Beauty." two truly shallow shows that mascaraed as one showing inner beauty and another showing outer. In reality they both re-enforce a stereotype that true beauty comes from being stupid and possessing an ability to throw up on command. Tyra thinks she is adding to the self esteem of young women everywhere, but in reality she is the turpentine on their thinly painted souls.

Many picked Tyra to usurp Operah as the queen of day time T.V. in 2011 when Operah calls it quits after 25 years on television, however experts agree that Operah's obvious battle with weight fluctuation, unstable relationships, and terrible self esteem relates to average day time television viewer far better than Tyra's pretend weight issues, and self esteem problems. She will never be able to fake the train wreck that is Oprah's personal life, and in turn make others feel better that their own train wreck isn't that bad.

"Tyra obviously has never struggled with her own image, when I was purging half my fridge in the summer of 2000 after a terrible breakup, she was on the cover of hundreds of magazines. I'm not saying she didn't purge, but it was cuz it made her look great, not because she wanted to kill herself." Said Stacey McDonald of Atlanta, Ga. "I for one don't think I would watch if Tyra took over Oprah's show. I bet that bitch would give the whole audience a gift certificate for LipoSuction, and then claim she loves everyone for who they are and not what they look like."

One thing is for sure that Tyra is going in the right direction in the number of Television shows she stars in. Climate change, national security, health care reform, a plummeting economy, religious wars, ethnic cleansing. energy crisis, and world hunger is still a front runner in the world's problems, but if we can't solve those within our life time, at least by 2080, that bitch will be no where near the public eye, and hopefully the physcological damage she has done to the female youth of her time has dissipated to the point that they no longer let such a talentless, out of her prime, super model get so much attention and produce so many terrible shows. Next stop reality television stars.

Note for future posts:

So a couple of years ago I tried to get on staff at the Onion and failed.  One part was due to the fact that I don't live in New York City, (which is where most of their writers reside.) and the other is because I had very little material to show them.  Another contributor most likely is that there are also thousands of writers who would like to write for them, many of them far more accomplished than I, and I probably mis-spelled something within in the first few sentences and rightfully got passed over immediately.  In the next couple of months I'm going to be writing onion style news.  Really it's just for fun, and I know I can write some funny fake news, but I also will probably apply to them once again some day, and this blog may help me convince them of my skills.  The Horo-scope this shit will still be in effect being that I got the idea from the Onion, and I might throw personal thoughts on here as well, but if you see a fake headline, image, and article it is in the spirit of the Onion. 

Horo-scope this shit.

Aries: The morning starts out with a bang, and fizzles out in the afternoon. Your day might seem anti-climactic, but if you prefer to not make this a trend; then don't start your day off with three hours of sitting on your sybian, and watching "Sex in the City." Tonight: Fire up the sybian and eat some ice cream.




Taurus: This might be a day that forever lives in infamy in your book, but Pearl Harbor definitely beats out your level 45 orc, being killed during a sneak attack by a level 23 Elf . Your world may have just been shattered, but your world is nerdy and gay. Tonight: Masturbate until you chafe to the virtual elf's embellished cleavage.



Gemini: If you liked it then you should have put a ring on it is your motto. However you're a gold digging whore who chases men for money and not love. Too bad he figured you out before you cashed in. Tonight: That guy in the corner looks like he's worth a lot of money. Push up the girls, and go pay the rent.



Cancer: Your Tiger Claw, and Dragon Fist are no match for his Uzi and hand grenade. Tonight: Did your martial arts class ever teach you how to remove shrapnel from flesh?



Leo: You would not eat them on a train, you would not eat them on a plane, you would not eat them in a car, you would not eat them in a bar, but you have no problem eating your boogers when no one is looking. Tonight: There are people around, but use the stealthy pick, finger roll, pop in mouth minutes later technique. Works like a charm.



Virgo: You've become hopelessly lost in a desolate wilderness with nothing but a pocket knife, some rope, the clothes on your back, and enough water for a three hour hike, good thing you watch a whole lot of Man Vs. Wild. It's time to put some of Bear Grills' techniques to use, and get to safety. Tonight: You're dead. Turns out Bear Grills does a bunch of stupid shit that would never help you survive in these situations, sorry.



Libra: You're pregnant. That sucks. Tonight: No need for birth control now, not that you ever use it.



Scorpio: Swimming was never your forte, but avoiding drowning in one foot of water just requires you to stand up. That will teach you not to drink while you're in the bath tub. Tonight: Does anyone know CPR?



Sagittarius: Just because the person next to you looks like they have a glazed over look about their eyes, doesn't mean you should try and eat them. Seriously fatty, practice some self control. Tonight: Your fridge is empty, time to purge.



Capricorn: There's nothing sexier than a massive dip, a dooly truck, a gun rack, and a freshly killed carcas in the back. At least in your mind there isn't. Do some laps around the trailer park, you never know who's watching. Tonight: Watch Urban Cowboy for the 1,000th time.



Aquarius: You can argue until your blue in the face, but there is no way that Raphael is the coolest ninja turtle. Seriously Sai's? What kind of weapon is that? Tonight: I'm sure you'll do something lame.



Pisces: Shake that money maker like someone's bout to pay ya. You're doing a real good job of shaking, but good luck finding someone to pay for that. Tonight: Your jiggle is mesmerizing, kind of like watching a lava lamp.

There's a difference between being a hippie, and a dirty asshole.

I know a plethora of people who would consider themselves hippies. They are Earth conscious, open-minded, free-spirited individuals that have an idealistic view on humanity and would never do anything to anyone that they would not want to happen to themselves. Their hair isn't necessarily dreaded , nor do they smell of petiole oil, or wear dashikis and hemp necklaces, however some do, and they still are awesome individuals that I consider very dear friends. I give respect to anyone who will return the gesture and I always try to reserve my judgments of an individual that I first meet, until I get a feel for the content of their character, rather than judge by their clothes, life style, or bathing habits.

That being said, in my years spent in Boulder, and Glenwood, I have come across a numerous amount of people that, on the surface, want to fall into the "hippie" category, but really are terrible people. They are selfish, lazy, angry individuals, that leech of those willing to help, and like a parasite, have only a negative effect on the town, city, street mall, or establishment that host them.

My most recent encounter with such individuals came last week; at my place of employment. Three individuals sat in my section, dawning dreads, beards, home knitted hats, and dirty clothes. They fit the cliché appearance of a "hippie", but I would come to find out that they really were just a bunch of dirty assholes. After one individual tried to order a pitcher of beer with three glasses I asked for three I.D.'s to prove their age. Two of the individuals were able to meet my request, but the third informed me that she wasn't drinking, and so I brought only two glasses. They drank and talked, and as I went about my business, I began to notice that the young woman was taking sips of beer out of the glasses of the two that accompanied her. After letting it slide the first couple of times, her persistence forced me to confront her, and I politely asked her to stop. She fed me some bullshit of how she has been served there before, and that she had her I.D. stolen a week earlier (which I would come to find out was a lie, and that she wasn't infact 21 by a girl that knows her). She also told me she wasn't a narc, and she just wanted to drink a beer after a long day's work. I continued to be polite about the matter, and told her that if she didn't have an I.D. she cannot drink, and if it happened again she would have to leave. Of course she ignored my request, and my co-worker Nate observed her defiance, who told her to "watch herself". From that moment on I heard them talking shit about me, and Nate, and even though we didn't see her drink again, she most likely had her share of beer as we went about our business.

After fifteen minutes or so I noticed one individual had left the restaurant, leaving the underage girl, and a bearded clam (who I have come to find out is named Mike Madigan), trying to pass himself off as a bearded man. They sat in my section for another half hour, and when I asked if they needed anything else, they declined. I returned to my computer to get their ticket, and in the minute it took me to return, I witnessed both individuals walking out the door. I promptly followed them and yelled from the front door "excuse me". Of course they ignored me and quickened their pace. I followed suit for almost two blocks and my monologue behind them went something like this as I swiftly followed:

"Excuse I'm talking to you...Hey, you two, dreads and beard, you didn't pay your tab...I know you can hear me, you weren't deaf five minutes ago...Don't make me call the cops, you don't want to go to jail over $20 bucks do you?...All right assholes we're calling the cops...Karma is a bitch mother fuckers, go fuck yourself."



Respectable people don't do that to others. People who call themselves "hippies" shouldn't do that to others.  If you want to be a hippie thats fine, but stick to hippie ideals.  These two did not stick to what I belive hippies claim to stand for.  I asked the girl politely to quit drinking, she copped an attitude and ignored me. She lied about her age, and she put the pub's liquor license, my job, and multiple others at risk, because she felt entitled to what she wanted. Not only did she break the law drinking, they stole from the pub, obviously didn't leave a tip, and even when confronted, continued to walk down the street as if they were Helen Keller taking a stroll. I'm not saying that there aren’t non-hippie looking assholes that walk out on tabs, or screw over others just because they can, but in my experience this breed is more apt to do so.

If anyone who reads this knows a Mike Madigan in Glenwood Springs, that goes by "Hippie Mike", give him a good cunt punt for me. If he happens to be accompanied by a dreaded Asian girl, with bad teeth, do the same to her. If Mike or that girl ever happens to read this, I'd like to say this: you aren't hippies. You're walking garbage that smells as such. Continue dropping acid, neglecting yourself, avoiding work, screwing over others, and telling yourself that you're a good person. You might be able to fool yourself, but you're not fooling anyone else. As I said, karma is a bitch, good luck with your shitty life.

Horo-scpoe this shit.

Aries: Today will be a very eventful day for you! It starts with a breakfast big enough to feed 20. You find the energy to watch both Good Morning America, and the View. After a brief nap, you manage to shift violently enough to get the bed sores on your legs, heels, ass, and back to be replaced by an unscathed portion of your gelatinous skin. All in all I'd say it's a success. Tonight: Play your favorite game: which folds of skin still retain feeling?

Taurus: Gandhi said that: "if you want the world to change, be that change." Unfortunately, I don't think the world is going to become a toothless, drag queen, transvestite, peg legged hooker over night, but you keep on truckin. Tonight: Gum some hamburger helper, sharpen your leg.

Gemini: You like your snow like you like your cock: Clean, white, at least a foot, and everywhere. Merry Christmas you son of a bitch, now go have some fun. Tonight: Break out the snowboard and the lube, Christmas comes twice today.

Cancer: Your patience is wearing thin with the close talker at the end of your hall. He does have some interesting stories once every two years, but your situation is nothing a good throat punch can't fix. Tonight: He's still laying at the end of the hall? Well punch him again just to make sure.

Leo: Heaven is a place on Earth, but hell is in your studio apartment. Seriously, when is the last time you cleaned that place? It looks like Detroit took a shit in your living room. I'm not sure if you sleep on that mattress, but it's definitely the final resting place for various bodily fluids, bed bugs, mold, and what ever that sticky lump is in the top left corner. Tonight: If you don't have fire insurance, get some; and then make it look like an accident.

Virgo: Spin class is actually referring to a place where people ride a stationary bike for an hour or two. They will probably call the cops if you show up spun out of your mind, and try to steal all of the towels and toilet paper. Tonight: Your heart racing because you're too high doesn't count as a work out.

Libra: It's true that there are other fish in the sea, but you live in a shallow swamp and it looks like there is nothing left but mud puppies, toads and leaches. You can't complain though; you're not exactly a prize catch either. Tonight: Brushing your teeth might be a good first step towards attracting the next parasite.

Scorpio: Another night and another black out. You have no idea what happened last night, but there are various clues to your whereabouts. Check receipts for money spent, the mud on the back of your pants smells of a dumpster, most likely from an alley, and either you slipped and fell fingers first into some spoiled salmon, or that nightmare wasn't a nightmare. Tonight: Buy Bacardi 151, pour it on your fingers, light a match.

Sagittarius: Parachute pants merely describes how baggy those silky, over sized garments look, but for the worlds sake I encourage your idea of jumping off that 1,000 foot cliff wearing that 1980's masterpiece. I don't think they will deploy and save your life, but the world will be rid of two very bad eye sores. Tonight: Kris Kross will make you, Jump! Jump!

Capricorn: I know it hurts right now; try spitting on it. Tonight: It's going to be hard to sit down.

Aquarius: Why is it a shock to you that your family tree goes straight up, with a slight lean to the left? Look at the bright side, those flippers have made you an excellent swimmer. Tonight: Break up with your cousin.

Pisces: Bench pressing a Volkswagen is an impressive feat. Smashing everything in your house, including your girlfriends jaw when your Tivo doesn't record what you want, is the price you pay when you shoot up with horse steroids. Tonight: Pop some zits, lifts some weights, get so angry that you cry when the slightest thing doesn't go your way.

Horo-scope this shit.

Aries: Have your girlfriend grow her pubic hair into a handle bar mustache. That way, you can at least appear to be able to grow facial every now and again. Tonight: Twist up your stache.

Taurus: Spicy mustard isn't usually a recommended lubrication but what ever you want to do is your own business. Just promise that you will avoid becoming a sex offender when someone asks if you have any Grey Poupon. Tonight: Mustard is on sale, two for one.

Gemini: I know a hand job sounded like a good idea, but if you wanted the sensation of sand paper, and blisters, you could have dry humped a sandy kitchen table. Tonight: Find some ointment and give it some time.

Cancer: That was one crazy night, but no one will believe your story. It's not the account of your close encounter that will be in doubt, but that they forced the anal probe on you. Especially when you had to teach them exactly what an anal probe was. Tonight: No matter how much you try, they won't be coming back. Thanks to you, we will no longer have any extra-terrestrials visiting the planet.

Leo: It's times like these that you like to look to the stars for guidance and wisdom. Too bad astrology is bullshit, and you have to solve your own problems. I know you'd like to blame all the bad things happening to you on the full moon, but really it's due to your lack of life skills. Tonight: Don't ask me, what did I just say?

Virgo: I know you are in the Christmas spirit and "Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus, right down Santa Claus lane" is a lovely Christmas Carol. However your girlfriend doesn't like it when you sing during sex, and referring to yourself as Santa is just creepy. Tonight: Jingle bells won't go over very well either.

Libra: Fists of fury is an awesome Bruce Lee movie in which he seeks revenge for the murder of his master. I don't think they will try and prosecute you for copy write infringement if you want to refer to your girls weekend as such. Tonight: Call the girls, get the weekend started early.

Scorpio: Did you know that the human body can regenerate lost limbs, and if you're persistent enough, you can train your colon to compress feces into diamonds? No, you don't think that is true? Well, you're right, but I figured if you believe in Scientology, you'd believe in anything. Tonight: Your theaten levels are getting out of hand, give the church more money.

Sagittarius: Walking on water, and turning water into wine are miracles that can be accomplished through having faith the size of a mustard seed. Too bad your kidney stone is the size of a pumpkin seed, and I have very little faith that it's going to pass through your urethra. Tonight: Get some pain meds, it might not fit, but it's gonna try.

Capricorn: Stick shifts and safety belts, bucket seats all have to go. It's not that I want you close to me when I'm driving, it's that I took out a life insurance policy on you, and a car accident pays out $1,000,000. Tonight: You should see how fast you can get over the pass in this snow storm.

Aquarius: Your motto is "if duct tape can't fix it, it can't be fixed," which is true for plumbing problems, various car maintenance, and various other chores around the house. Wrapping your wife up in duct tape and hoping for the best isn't going to solve your marital issues: Tonight: A single strand placed carefully across her mouth might work temporarily.

Pisces: You have an incredible, and insightful conversation with four very close friends this afternoon. Laughter and the occasional tear will whisk away hours of your time, and you will remember today for the rest of your life. You truly are blessed to have such wonderful individuals in your life. Tonight: Take your schizophrenia meds, you forgot to take them today.