Horo-scope this shit.

Aries: Reincarnation is a theory in which you karmacily come back to Earth as another life form that you deserve for your previous life decisions. Yea it sucks that you're now a Barnacle located incredibly close to a whale's anus, but look on the bright side, at least you're not Kim Kardashian. Tonight: Same thing you do every night, leach off others.


Taurus: The worst part of waking up...is getting the fat, ugly, stranger out of your bed. The best part of waking up, is not being the incredibly fat, ugly stranger being kicked out of anothers bed. Tonight: Think ahead, a threesome might sound enticing in your drunken mind, but getting those two's sweat stains, skid marks and BO out of your sheets will not be fun.


Gemini: Virgin is such a harsh word. Sexually challenged doesn't really fit either. Let's call it World of Warcrafted. Tonight: Code red, and a quest for the ages...Don't forget to take the time to touch yourself, no one else will.


Cancer: Brown Chicken, Brown Cow might be the sexiest barn yard animals, but that doesn't mean you should do that with them. If I were a rancher and stumbled upon you doing that with my live stock, there would be a hail storm of buck shot sent in your general direction. Tonight: That lamb sure does have a pretty mouth.


Leo: Wisdom cannot be copy and pasted. Especially on facebook, so stop wasting time on trying to look deep, and wasting the wall space on my home page. Tonight: Confucius say: shut the fuck up.


Virgo: How do you kill an inbred idiot hanging from the guard rail at the Indy 500? Let go. Tonight: With any luck you'll become the bug on Dale Jr's windshield.


Libra: Deep throat is a movie based on the notion that a woman's clitoris is located in her throat, which is anatomically impossible. You sure keep trying to prove that theory wrong though. Cheers for that. Tonight: Say AHHHH.

Scorpio: It probably didn't work out very well for that poor girl's buck teeth that you used as a bottle opener, but it worked just fine for opening your Coors's banquet. Yea, they're a twist off, but that was far more satisfying. Tonight: Wait outside the dentist office and open another tasty cold one.

Sagittarius: Head banging to Miley Sirus isn't very metal, even if you do introduce some power chords on your own guitar, and scream along with the lyrics. Tonight: That Tasmanian devil tattoo isn't very metal either, but go ahead and get it anyway, it's you.

Capricorn: It's kind of funny that even though you sport wrist guards, elbow pads, knee pads, and a helmet constantly, no one has ever seen you arrive anywhere but by walking. Tonight: Your wrist guards are really turning the girl across the bar on, but it's your helmet cam that's gonna close the deal.

Aquarius: Sweat drips from your brow, heat radiates from your over worked body, your lip quivers with satisfaction...that you finally made it up the steps of your local Krispy Kreme. Congratulations fatty. Tonight: Keep going, the sweet sweet delight of fresh Krispy Kreme is only fifteen agonizing steps away.

Pisces: Nickleback is coming to town. You could camp overnight to be first in line for tickets, but lets be honest, you're the only one that's going to be in line. Tonight: Rock out with five other faithful fans to one of the worst bands to ever attempt to play music.