Aries: You will finally develop a way to keep the attention from you clubbed foot. It's called elephantitis of the face. What you once considered to be a horribly embarrassing disfigurement; has now literally been dwarfed by your new found freak face. Be careful what you wish for, God's got a sick sense of humor. Tonight: Hide.
Taurus: If it burns when you pee, accompanied with milky white discharge, Santa must have given you an extra gift this year. That's what you get for banging Mrs. Clause in the Reindeer Stalls while he was delivering joy and cheer across the world. Tonight: Penicillin usually does the trick.
Gemini: Spooning gravy into your mouth is kind of a fat kid move. Convincing yourself that its not that bad because your using a loaf of bread as a spoon is only moving further into denial. Tonight: Spam covered in gravy, finished off with a ho-ho and a cigarette!
Cancer: Your eyes cannot not stick cross eyed if you force them to that position for too long, so stop telling people that's how it happened. Tonight: I I don't don't know know why why I I didn't didn't write write this this whole whole thing thing like like this this for for you you earlier, earlier, you you cross cross eyed eyed son son of of a a bitch bitch.
Leo: Bring an extra pair of underwear with you where ever you go today; you're going to shart yourself. Tonight: Change your goddamn underwear, it's been like six hours since the sharting.
Virgo: Sweating to the eighties, in your case, means listening to Duran Duran and walking up a single flight of stairs. Tonight: Your resting heart rate has still not returned to normal. In your defense it was a steep stair case.
Libra: Your anus wouldn't bleed so much if you would just stop shoving things up there. And by shoving I mean forcing, stuffing, and hammering. Tonight: Your T.V. remote is missing, but I bet you know where to find it now don't you?
Scorpio: Sweet Hello Kitty tattoo, but didn't it hurt having your vagina tattooed? Plus, I don't think kitty had an Afro, but that is one impressive patch of pubic hair. Tonight: You queef, and Hello Kitty burps.
Sagittarius: Is that crotch sweat drenching your sweat pants, or did you piss yourself again? Either way, gross. Tonight: It may have been crotch sweat earlier, but that is definitely piss.
Capricorn: Fo-Hawks are for fags, but it looks good on you, I really mean it. Do you style it with K-Y just in case your caught with out some? Tonight: Hey great idea with the hair gel. Now rub your head on his crotch.
Aquarius: What do you get when you cross a Mexican, 2 black guys, and a Jew? A hospital visit. Maybe you should try and limit your use of racial slurs in crowded sub-ways. Tonight: Tell that chinc doctor you need more morphine.
Pisces: Swimming is a great way to get your heart rate up and improve your overall physical fitness. Dumpster diving is a great way to improve your diet, and wardrobe. Muff diving is something bums rarely get to do. Sorry. Tonight: I see a park bench and a newspaper blanket in your near future.
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Monday, December 28, 2009
Tyra Proclaims end of show, world weeps...with joy.
In a shocking announcement today, Tyra Banks declared that she will not return to her day time talk show after 5, nauseating, years. Tyra's decision has not come soon enough. In a world rife with war, famine, disease, and catastrophe, her announcement brings a sliver of light to a rapidly darkening world. People around the Globe took to the streets and rejoiced in the news that her hour too long show will no longer torture those looking for something decent to watch during the day time.
Although very few have actually seen the T.V. show, just the knowledge that such a self righteous, ego-centric bitch, that turned every episode into a discussion about her own insecurities is finally off the air; brings hope that evil tyranny can be crushed anywhere.
"I may have Ayatollah Hossein Ali Montazeri's repressive government to deal with every day; and I never know if I will be taken from this Earth by stray bullet, or suicide bomber at any moment, but at least I know that Tyra Banks is no longer polluting the World with her self-righteous, self-proclaimed "empowering" diaherra she passes off as day time TV." Said Muhammad Ali Sieva of Tehran, Iran. He further added: "I know that justice cannot be won for all of humanity over night, but we must fight as one mind against dictators, terrorists, and over-hyped former super-models that get to be on TV shows because they used to be pretty."
Tyra has not just limited her television ambitions to her terrible talk show. She also has been a a part of "America's Next top Model." and "True Beauty." two truly shallow shows that mascaraed as one showing inner beauty and another showing outer. In reality they both re-enforce a stereotype that true beauty comes from being stupid and possessing an ability to throw up on command. Tyra thinks she is adding to the self esteem of young women everywhere, but in reality she is the turpentine on their thinly painted souls.
Many picked Tyra to usurp Operah as the queen of day time T.V. in 2011 when Operah calls it quits after 25 years on television, however experts agree that Operah's obvious battle with weight fluctuation, unstable relationships, and terrible self esteem relates to average day time television viewer far better than Tyra's pretend weight issues, and self esteem problems. She will never be able to fake the train wreck that is Oprah's personal life, and in turn make others feel better that their own train wreck isn't that bad.
"Tyra obviously has never struggled with her own image, when I was purging half my fridge in the summer of 2000 after a terrible breakup, she was on the cover of hundreds of magazines. I'm not saying she didn't purge, but it was cuz it made her look great, not because she wanted to kill herself." Said Stacey McDonald of Atlanta, Ga. "I for one don't think I would watch if Tyra took over Oprah's show. I bet that bitch would give the whole audience a gift certificate for LipoSuction, and then claim she loves everyone for who they are and not what they look like."
One thing is for sure that Tyra is going in the right direction in the number of Television shows she stars in. Climate change, national security, health care reform, a plummeting economy, religious wars, ethnic cleansing. energy crisis, and world hunger is still a front runner in the world's problems, but if we can't solve those within our life time, at least by 2080, that bitch will be no where near the public eye, and hopefully the physcological damage she has done to the female youth of her time has dissipated to the point that they no longer let such a talentless, out of her prime, super model get so much attention and produce so many terrible shows. Next stop reality television stars.
Although very few have actually seen the T.V. show, just the knowledge that such a self righteous, ego-centric bitch, that turned every episode into a discussion about her own insecurities is finally off the air; brings hope that evil tyranny can be crushed anywhere.
"I may have Ayatollah Hossein Ali Montazeri's repressive government to deal with every day; and I never know if I will be taken from this Earth by stray bullet, or suicide bomber at any moment, but at least I know that Tyra Banks is no longer polluting the World with her self-righteous, self-proclaimed "empowering" diaherra she passes off as day time TV." Said Muhammad Ali Sieva of Tehran, Iran. He further added: "I know that justice cannot be won for all of humanity over night, but we must fight as one mind against dictators, terrorists, and over-hyped former super-models that get to be on TV shows because they used to be pretty."
Tyra has not just limited her television ambitions to her terrible talk show. She also has been a a part of "America's Next top Model." and "True Beauty." two truly shallow shows that mascaraed as one showing inner beauty and another showing outer. In reality they both re-enforce a stereotype that true beauty comes from being stupid and possessing an ability to throw up on command. Tyra thinks she is adding to the self esteem of young women everywhere, but in reality she is the turpentine on their thinly painted souls.
Many picked Tyra to usurp Operah as the queen of day time T.V. in 2011 when Operah calls it quits after 25 years on television, however experts agree that Operah's obvious battle with weight fluctuation, unstable relationships, and terrible self esteem relates to average day time television viewer far better than Tyra's pretend weight issues, and self esteem problems. She will never be able to fake the train wreck that is Oprah's personal life, and in turn make others feel better that their own train wreck isn't that bad.
"Tyra obviously has never struggled with her own image, when I was purging half my fridge in the summer of 2000 after a terrible breakup, she was on the cover of hundreds of magazines. I'm not saying she didn't purge, but it was cuz it made her look great, not because she wanted to kill herself." Said Stacey McDonald of Atlanta, Ga. "I for one don't think I would watch if Tyra took over Oprah's show. I bet that bitch would give the whole audience a gift certificate for LipoSuction, and then claim she loves everyone for who they are and not what they look like."
One thing is for sure that Tyra is going in the right direction in the number of Television shows she stars in. Climate change, national security, health care reform, a plummeting economy, religious wars, ethnic cleansing. energy crisis, and world hunger is still a front runner in the world's problems, but if we can't solve those within our life time, at least by 2080, that bitch will be no where near the public eye, and hopefully the physcological damage she has done to the female youth of her time has dissipated to the point that they no longer let such a talentless, out of her prime, super model get so much attention and produce so many terrible shows. Next stop reality television stars.
Note for future posts:
So a couple of years ago I tried to get on staff at the Onion and failed. One part was due to the fact that I don't live in New York City, (which is where most of their writers reside.) and the other is because I had very little material to show them. Another contributor most likely is that there are also thousands of writers who would like to write for them, many of them far more accomplished than I, and I probably mis-spelled something within in the first few sentences and rightfully got passed over immediately. In the next couple of months I'm going to be writing onion style news. Really it's just for fun, and I know I can write some funny fake news, but I also will probably apply to them once again some day, and this blog may help me convince them of my skills. The Horo-scope this shit will still be in effect being that I got the idea from the Onion, and I might throw personal thoughts on here as well, but if you see a fake headline, image, and article it is in the spirit of the Onion.
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Horo-scope this shit.
Aries: The morning starts out with a bang, and fizzles out in the afternoon. Your day might seem anti-climactic, but if you prefer to not make this a trend; then don't start your day off with three hours of sitting on your sybian, and watching "Sex in the City." Tonight: Fire up the sybian and eat some ice cream.
Taurus: This might be a day that forever lives in infamy in your book, but Pearl Harbor definitely beats out your level 45 orc, being killed during a sneak attack by a level 23 Elf . Your world may have just been shattered, but your world is nerdy and gay. Tonight: Masturbate until you chafe to the virtual elf's embellished cleavage.
Gemini: If you liked it then you should have put a ring on it is your motto. However you're a gold digging whore who chases men for money and not love. Too bad he figured you out before you cashed in. Tonight: That guy in the corner looks like he's worth a lot of money. Push up the girls, and go pay the rent.
Cancer: Your Tiger Claw, and Dragon Fist are no match for his Uzi and hand grenade. Tonight: Did your martial arts class ever teach you how to remove shrapnel from flesh?
Leo: You would not eat them on a train, you would not eat them on a plane, you would not eat them in a car, you would not eat them in a bar, but you have no problem eating your boogers when no one is looking. Tonight: There are people around, but use the stealthy pick, finger roll, pop in mouth minutes later technique. Works like a charm.
Virgo: You've become hopelessly lost in a desolate wilderness with nothing but a pocket knife, some rope, the clothes on your back, and enough water for a three hour hike, good thing you watch a whole lot of Man Vs. Wild. It's time to put some of Bear Grills' techniques to use, and get to safety. Tonight: You're dead. Turns out Bear Grills does a bunch of stupid shit that would never help you survive in these situations, sorry.
Libra: You're pregnant. That sucks. Tonight: No need for birth control now, not that you ever use it.
Scorpio: Swimming was never your forte, but avoiding drowning in one foot of water just requires you to stand up. That will teach you not to drink while you're in the bath tub. Tonight: Does anyone know CPR?
Sagittarius: Just because the person next to you looks like they have a glazed over look about their eyes, doesn't mean you should try and eat them. Seriously fatty, practice some self control. Tonight: Your fridge is empty, time to purge.
Capricorn: There's nothing sexier than a massive dip, a dooly truck, a gun rack, and a freshly killed carcas in the back. At least in your mind there isn't. Do some laps around the trailer park, you never know who's watching. Tonight: Watch Urban Cowboy for the 1,000th time.
Aquarius: You can argue until your blue in the face, but there is no way that Raphael is the coolest ninja turtle. Seriously Sai's? What kind of weapon is that? Tonight: I'm sure you'll do something lame.
Pisces: Shake that money maker like someone's bout to pay ya. You're doing a real good job of shaking, but good luck finding someone to pay for that. Tonight: Your jiggle is mesmerizing, kind of like watching a lava lamp.
Taurus: This might be a day that forever lives in infamy in your book, but Pearl Harbor definitely beats out your level 45 orc, being killed during a sneak attack by a level 23 Elf . Your world may have just been shattered, but your world is nerdy and gay. Tonight: Masturbate until you chafe to the virtual elf's embellished cleavage.
Gemini: If you liked it then you should have put a ring on it is your motto. However you're a gold digging whore who chases men for money and not love. Too bad he figured you out before you cashed in. Tonight: That guy in the corner looks like he's worth a lot of money. Push up the girls, and go pay the rent.
Cancer: Your Tiger Claw, and Dragon Fist are no match for his Uzi and hand grenade. Tonight: Did your martial arts class ever teach you how to remove shrapnel from flesh?
Leo: You would not eat them on a train, you would not eat them on a plane, you would not eat them in a car, you would not eat them in a bar, but you have no problem eating your boogers when no one is looking. Tonight: There are people around, but use the stealthy pick, finger roll, pop in mouth minutes later technique. Works like a charm.
Virgo: You've become hopelessly lost in a desolate wilderness with nothing but a pocket knife, some rope, the clothes on your back, and enough water for a three hour hike, good thing you watch a whole lot of Man Vs. Wild. It's time to put some of Bear Grills' techniques to use, and get to safety. Tonight: You're dead. Turns out Bear Grills does a bunch of stupid shit that would never help you survive in these situations, sorry.
Libra: You're pregnant. That sucks. Tonight: No need for birth control now, not that you ever use it.
Scorpio: Swimming was never your forte, but avoiding drowning in one foot of water just requires you to stand up. That will teach you not to drink while you're in the bath tub. Tonight: Does anyone know CPR?
Sagittarius: Just because the person next to you looks like they have a glazed over look about their eyes, doesn't mean you should try and eat them. Seriously fatty, practice some self control. Tonight: Your fridge is empty, time to purge.
Capricorn: There's nothing sexier than a massive dip, a dooly truck, a gun rack, and a freshly killed carcas in the back. At least in your mind there isn't. Do some laps around the trailer park, you never know who's watching. Tonight: Watch Urban Cowboy for the 1,000th time.
Aquarius: You can argue until your blue in the face, but there is no way that Raphael is the coolest ninja turtle. Seriously Sai's? What kind of weapon is that? Tonight: I'm sure you'll do something lame.
Pisces: Shake that money maker like someone's bout to pay ya. You're doing a real good job of shaking, but good luck finding someone to pay for that. Tonight: Your jiggle is mesmerizing, kind of like watching a lava lamp.
Monday, December 14, 2009
There's a difference between being a hippie, and a dirty asshole.
I know a plethora of people who would consider themselves hippies. They are Earth conscious, open-minded, free-spirited individuals that have an idealistic view on humanity and would never do anything to anyone that they would not want to happen to themselves. Their hair isn't necessarily dreaded , nor do they smell of petiole oil, or wear dashikis and hemp necklaces, however some do, and they still are awesome individuals that I consider very dear friends. I give respect to anyone who will return the gesture and I always try to reserve my judgments of an individual that I first meet, until I get a feel for the content of their character, rather than judge by their clothes, life style, or bathing habits.
That being said, in my years spent in Boulder, and Glenwood, I have come across a numerous amount of people that, on the surface, want to fall into the "hippie" category, but really are terrible people. They are selfish, lazy, angry individuals, that leech of those willing to help, and like a parasite, have only a negative effect on the town, city, street mall, or establishment that host them.
My most recent encounter with such individuals came last week; at my place of employment. Three individuals sat in my section, dawning dreads, beards, home knitted hats, and dirty clothes. They fit the cliché appearance of a "hippie", but I would come to find out that they really were just a bunch of dirty assholes. After one individual tried to order a pitcher of beer with three glasses I asked for three I.D.'s to prove their age. Two of the individuals were able to meet my request, but the third informed me that she wasn't drinking, and so I brought only two glasses. They drank and talked, and as I went about my business, I began to notice that the young woman was taking sips of beer out of the glasses of the two that accompanied her. After letting it slide the first couple of times, her persistence forced me to confront her, and I politely asked her to stop. She fed me some bullshit of how she has been served there before, and that she had her I.D. stolen a week earlier (which I would come to find out was a lie, and that she wasn't infact 21 by a girl that knows her). She also told me she wasn't a narc, and she just wanted to drink a beer after a long day's work. I continued to be polite about the matter, and told her that if she didn't have an I.D. she cannot drink, and if it happened again she would have to leave. Of course she ignored my request, and my co-worker Nate observed her defiance, who told her to "watch herself". From that moment on I heard them talking shit about me, and Nate, and even though we didn't see her drink again, she most likely had her share of beer as we went about our business.
After fifteen minutes or so I noticed one individual had left the restaurant, leaving the underage girl, and a bearded clam (who I have come to find out is named Mike Madigan), trying to pass himself off as a bearded man. They sat in my section for another half hour, and when I asked if they needed anything else, they declined. I returned to my computer to get their ticket, and in the minute it took me to return, I witnessed both individuals walking out the door. I promptly followed them and yelled from the front door "excuse me". Of course they ignored me and quickened their pace. I followed suit for almost two blocks and my monologue behind them went something like this as I swiftly followed:
"Excuse I'm talking to you...Hey, you two, dreads and beard, you didn't pay your tab...I know you can hear me, you weren't deaf five minutes ago...Don't make me call the cops, you don't want to go to jail over $20 bucks do you?...All right assholes we're calling the cops...Karma is a bitch mother fuckers, go fuck yourself."
Respectable people don't do that to others. People who call themselves "hippies" shouldn't do that to others. If you want to be a hippie thats fine, but stick to hippie ideals. These two did not stick to what I belive hippies claim to stand for. I asked the girl politely to quit drinking, she copped an attitude and ignored me. She lied about her age, and she put the pub's liquor license, my job, and multiple others at risk, because she felt entitled to what she wanted. Not only did she break the law drinking, they stole from the pub, obviously didn't leave a tip, and even when confronted, continued to walk down the street as if they were Helen Keller taking a stroll. I'm not saying that there aren’t non-hippie looking assholes that walk out on tabs, or screw over others just because they can, but in my experience this breed is more apt to do so.
If anyone who reads this knows a Mike Madigan in Glenwood Springs, that goes by "Hippie Mike", give him a good cunt punt for me. If he happens to be accompanied by a dreaded Asian girl, with bad teeth, do the same to her. If Mike or that girl ever happens to read this, I'd like to say this: you aren't hippies. You're walking garbage that smells as such. Continue dropping acid, neglecting yourself, avoiding work, screwing over others, and telling yourself that you're a good person. You might be able to fool yourself, but you're not fooling anyone else. As I said, karma is a bitch, good luck with your shitty life.
That being said, in my years spent in Boulder, and Glenwood, I have come across a numerous amount of people that, on the surface, want to fall into the "hippie" category, but really are terrible people. They are selfish, lazy, angry individuals, that leech of those willing to help, and like a parasite, have only a negative effect on the town, city, street mall, or establishment that host them.
My most recent encounter with such individuals came last week; at my place of employment. Three individuals sat in my section, dawning dreads, beards, home knitted hats, and dirty clothes. They fit the cliché appearance of a "hippie", but I would come to find out that they really were just a bunch of dirty assholes. After one individual tried to order a pitcher of beer with three glasses I asked for three I.D.'s to prove their age. Two of the individuals were able to meet my request, but the third informed me that she wasn't drinking, and so I brought only two glasses. They drank and talked, and as I went about my business, I began to notice that the young woman was taking sips of beer out of the glasses of the two that accompanied her. After letting it slide the first couple of times, her persistence forced me to confront her, and I politely asked her to stop. She fed me some bullshit of how she has been served there before, and that she had her I.D. stolen a week earlier (which I would come to find out was a lie, and that she wasn't infact 21 by a girl that knows her). She also told me she wasn't a narc, and she just wanted to drink a beer after a long day's work. I continued to be polite about the matter, and told her that if she didn't have an I.D. she cannot drink, and if it happened again she would have to leave. Of course she ignored my request, and my co-worker Nate observed her defiance, who told her to "watch herself". From that moment on I heard them talking shit about me, and Nate, and even though we didn't see her drink again, she most likely had her share of beer as we went about our business.
After fifteen minutes or so I noticed one individual had left the restaurant, leaving the underage girl, and a bearded clam (who I have come to find out is named Mike Madigan), trying to pass himself off as a bearded man. They sat in my section for another half hour, and when I asked if they needed anything else, they declined. I returned to my computer to get their ticket, and in the minute it took me to return, I witnessed both individuals walking out the door. I promptly followed them and yelled from the front door "excuse me". Of course they ignored me and quickened their pace. I followed suit for almost two blocks and my monologue behind them went something like this as I swiftly followed:
"Excuse I'm talking to you...Hey, you two, dreads and beard, you didn't pay your tab...I know you can hear me, you weren't deaf five minutes ago...Don't make me call the cops, you don't want to go to jail over $20 bucks do you?...All right assholes we're calling the cops...Karma is a bitch mother fuckers, go fuck yourself."
Respectable people don't do that to others. People who call themselves "hippies" shouldn't do that to others. If you want to be a hippie thats fine, but stick to hippie ideals. These two did not stick to what I belive hippies claim to stand for. I asked the girl politely to quit drinking, she copped an attitude and ignored me. She lied about her age, and she put the pub's liquor license, my job, and multiple others at risk, because she felt entitled to what she wanted. Not only did she break the law drinking, they stole from the pub, obviously didn't leave a tip, and even when confronted, continued to walk down the street as if they were Helen Keller taking a stroll. I'm not saying that there aren’t non-hippie looking assholes that walk out on tabs, or screw over others just because they can, but in my experience this breed is more apt to do so.
If anyone who reads this knows a Mike Madigan in Glenwood Springs, that goes by "Hippie Mike", give him a good cunt punt for me. If he happens to be accompanied by a dreaded Asian girl, with bad teeth, do the same to her. If Mike or that girl ever happens to read this, I'd like to say this: you aren't hippies. You're walking garbage that smells as such. Continue dropping acid, neglecting yourself, avoiding work, screwing over others, and telling yourself that you're a good person. You might be able to fool yourself, but you're not fooling anyone else. As I said, karma is a bitch, good luck with your shitty life.
Monday, December 7, 2009
Horo-scpoe this shit.
Aries: Today will be a very eventful day for you! It starts with a breakfast big enough to feed 20. You find the energy to watch both Good Morning America, and the View. After a brief nap, you manage to shift violently enough to get the bed sores on your legs, heels, ass, and back to be replaced by an unscathed portion of your gelatinous skin. All in all I'd say it's a success. Tonight: Play your favorite game: which folds of skin still retain feeling?
Taurus: Gandhi said that: "if you want the world to change, be that change." Unfortunately, I don't think the world is going to become a toothless, drag queen, transvestite, peg legged hooker over night, but you keep on truckin. Tonight: Gum some hamburger helper, sharpen your leg.
Gemini: You like your snow like you like your cock: Clean, white, at least a foot, and everywhere. Merry Christmas you son of a bitch, now go have some fun. Tonight: Break out the snowboard and the lube, Christmas comes twice today.
Cancer: Your patience is wearing thin with the close talker at the end of your hall. He does have some interesting stories once every two years, but your situation is nothing a good throat punch can't fix. Tonight: He's still laying at the end of the hall? Well punch him again just to make sure.
Leo: Heaven is a place on Earth, but hell is in your studio apartment. Seriously, when is the last time you cleaned that place? It looks like Detroit took a shit in your living room. I'm not sure if you sleep on that mattress, but it's definitely the final resting place for various bodily fluids, bed bugs, mold, and what ever that sticky lump is in the top left corner. Tonight: If you don't have fire insurance, get some; and then make it look like an accident.
Virgo: Spin class is actually referring to a place where people ride a stationary bike for an hour or two. They will probably call the cops if you show up spun out of your mind, and try to steal all of the towels and toilet paper. Tonight: Your heart racing because you're too high doesn't count as a work out.
Libra: It's true that there are other fish in the sea, but you live in a shallow swamp and it looks like there is nothing left but mud puppies, toads and leaches. You can't complain though; you're not exactly a prize catch either. Tonight: Brushing your teeth might be a good first step towards attracting the next parasite.
Scorpio: Another night and another black out. You have no idea what happened last night, but there are various clues to your whereabouts. Check receipts for money spent, the mud on the back of your pants smells of a dumpster, most likely from an alley, and either you slipped and fell fingers first into some spoiled salmon, or that nightmare wasn't a nightmare. Tonight: Buy Bacardi 151, pour it on your fingers, light a match.
Sagittarius: Parachute pants merely describes how baggy those silky, over sized garments look, but for the worlds sake I encourage your idea of jumping off that 1,000 foot cliff wearing that 1980's masterpiece. I don't think they will deploy and save your life, but the world will be rid of two very bad eye sores. Tonight: Kris Kross will make you, Jump! Jump!
Capricorn: I know it hurts right now; try spitting on it. Tonight: It's going to be hard to sit down.
Aquarius: Why is it a shock to you that your family tree goes straight up, with a slight lean to the left? Look at the bright side, those flippers have made you an excellent swimmer. Tonight: Break up with your cousin.
Pisces: Bench pressing a Volkswagen is an impressive feat. Smashing everything in your house, including your girlfriends jaw when your Tivo doesn't record what you want, is the price you pay when you shoot up with horse steroids. Tonight: Pop some zits, lifts some weights, get so angry that you cry when the slightest thing doesn't go your way.
Taurus: Gandhi said that: "if you want the world to change, be that change." Unfortunately, I don't think the world is going to become a toothless, drag queen, transvestite, peg legged hooker over night, but you keep on truckin. Tonight: Gum some hamburger helper, sharpen your leg.
Gemini: You like your snow like you like your cock: Clean, white, at least a foot, and everywhere. Merry Christmas you son of a bitch, now go have some fun. Tonight: Break out the snowboard and the lube, Christmas comes twice today.
Cancer: Your patience is wearing thin with the close talker at the end of your hall. He does have some interesting stories once every two years, but your situation is nothing a good throat punch can't fix. Tonight: He's still laying at the end of the hall? Well punch him again just to make sure.
Leo: Heaven is a place on Earth, but hell is in your studio apartment. Seriously, when is the last time you cleaned that place? It looks like Detroit took a shit in your living room. I'm not sure if you sleep on that mattress, but it's definitely the final resting place for various bodily fluids, bed bugs, mold, and what ever that sticky lump is in the top left corner. Tonight: If you don't have fire insurance, get some; and then make it look like an accident.
Virgo: Spin class is actually referring to a place where people ride a stationary bike for an hour or two. They will probably call the cops if you show up spun out of your mind, and try to steal all of the towels and toilet paper. Tonight: Your heart racing because you're too high doesn't count as a work out.
Libra: It's true that there are other fish in the sea, but you live in a shallow swamp and it looks like there is nothing left but mud puppies, toads and leaches. You can't complain though; you're not exactly a prize catch either. Tonight: Brushing your teeth might be a good first step towards attracting the next parasite.
Scorpio: Another night and another black out. You have no idea what happened last night, but there are various clues to your whereabouts. Check receipts for money spent, the mud on the back of your pants smells of a dumpster, most likely from an alley, and either you slipped and fell fingers first into some spoiled salmon, or that nightmare wasn't a nightmare. Tonight: Buy Bacardi 151, pour it on your fingers, light a match.
Sagittarius: Parachute pants merely describes how baggy those silky, over sized garments look, but for the worlds sake I encourage your idea of jumping off that 1,000 foot cliff wearing that 1980's masterpiece. I don't think they will deploy and save your life, but the world will be rid of two very bad eye sores. Tonight: Kris Kross will make you, Jump! Jump!
Capricorn: I know it hurts right now; try spitting on it. Tonight: It's going to be hard to sit down.
Aquarius: Why is it a shock to you that your family tree goes straight up, with a slight lean to the left? Look at the bright side, those flippers have made you an excellent swimmer. Tonight: Break up with your cousin.
Pisces: Bench pressing a Volkswagen is an impressive feat. Smashing everything in your house, including your girlfriends jaw when your Tivo doesn't record what you want, is the price you pay when you shoot up with horse steroids. Tonight: Pop some zits, lifts some weights, get so angry that you cry when the slightest thing doesn't go your way.
Horo-scope this shit.
Aries: Have your girlfriend grow her pubic hair into a handle bar mustache. That way, you can at least appear to be able to grow facial every now and again. Tonight: Twist up your stache.
Taurus: Spicy mustard isn't usually a recommended lubrication but what ever you want to do is your own business. Just promise that you will avoid becoming a sex offender when someone asks if you have any Grey Poupon. Tonight: Mustard is on sale, two for one.
Gemini: I know a hand job sounded like a good idea, but if you wanted the sensation of sand paper, and blisters, you could have dry humped a sandy kitchen table. Tonight: Find some ointment and give it some time.
Cancer: That was one crazy night, but no one will believe your story. It's not the account of your close encounter that will be in doubt, but that they forced the anal probe on you. Especially when you had to teach them exactly what an anal probe was. Tonight: No matter how much you try, they won't be coming back. Thanks to you, we will no longer have any extra-terrestrials visiting the planet.
Leo: It's times like these that you like to look to the stars for guidance and wisdom. Too bad astrology is bullshit, and you have to solve your own problems. I know you'd like to blame all the bad things happening to you on the full moon, but really it's due to your lack of life skills. Tonight: Don't ask me, what did I just say?
Virgo: I know you are in the Christmas spirit and "Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus, right down Santa Claus lane" is a lovely Christmas Carol. However your girlfriend doesn't like it when you sing during sex, and referring to yourself as Santa is just creepy. Tonight: Jingle bells won't go over very well either.
Libra: Fists of fury is an awesome Bruce Lee movie in which he seeks revenge for the murder of his master. I don't think they will try and prosecute you for copy write infringement if you want to refer to your girls weekend as such. Tonight: Call the girls, get the weekend started early.
Scorpio: Did you know that the human body can regenerate lost limbs, and if you're persistent enough, you can train your colon to compress feces into diamonds? No, you don't think that is true? Well, you're right, but I figured if you believe in Scientology, you'd believe in anything. Tonight: Your theaten levels are getting out of hand, give the church more money.
Sagittarius: Walking on water, and turning water into wine are miracles that can be accomplished through having faith the size of a mustard seed. Too bad your kidney stone is the size of a pumpkin seed, and I have very little faith that it's going to pass through your urethra. Tonight: Get some pain meds, it might not fit, but it's gonna try.
Capricorn: Stick shifts and safety belts, bucket seats all have to go. It's not that I want you close to me when I'm driving, it's that I took out a life insurance policy on you, and a car accident pays out $1,000,000. Tonight: You should see how fast you can get over the pass in this snow storm.
Aquarius: Your motto is "if duct tape can't fix it, it can't be fixed," which is true for plumbing problems, various car maintenance, and various other chores around the house. Wrapping your wife up in duct tape and hoping for the best isn't going to solve your marital issues: Tonight: A single strand placed carefully across her mouth might work temporarily.
Pisces: You have an incredible, and insightful conversation with four very close friends this afternoon. Laughter and the occasional tear will whisk away hours of your time, and you will remember today for the rest of your life. You truly are blessed to have such wonderful individuals in your life. Tonight: Take your schizophrenia meds, you forgot to take them today.
Taurus: Spicy mustard isn't usually a recommended lubrication but what ever you want to do is your own business. Just promise that you will avoid becoming a sex offender when someone asks if you have any Grey Poupon. Tonight: Mustard is on sale, two for one.
Gemini: I know a hand job sounded like a good idea, but if you wanted the sensation of sand paper, and blisters, you could have dry humped a sandy kitchen table. Tonight: Find some ointment and give it some time.
Cancer: That was one crazy night, but no one will believe your story. It's not the account of your close encounter that will be in doubt, but that they forced the anal probe on you. Especially when you had to teach them exactly what an anal probe was. Tonight: No matter how much you try, they won't be coming back. Thanks to you, we will no longer have any extra-terrestrials visiting the planet.
Leo: It's times like these that you like to look to the stars for guidance and wisdom. Too bad astrology is bullshit, and you have to solve your own problems. I know you'd like to blame all the bad things happening to you on the full moon, but really it's due to your lack of life skills. Tonight: Don't ask me, what did I just say?
Virgo: I know you are in the Christmas spirit and "Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus, right down Santa Claus lane" is a lovely Christmas Carol. However your girlfriend doesn't like it when you sing during sex, and referring to yourself as Santa is just creepy. Tonight: Jingle bells won't go over very well either.
Libra: Fists of fury is an awesome Bruce Lee movie in which he seeks revenge for the murder of his master. I don't think they will try and prosecute you for copy write infringement if you want to refer to your girls weekend as such. Tonight: Call the girls, get the weekend started early.
Scorpio: Did you know that the human body can regenerate lost limbs, and if you're persistent enough, you can train your colon to compress feces into diamonds? No, you don't think that is true? Well, you're right, but I figured if you believe in Scientology, you'd believe in anything. Tonight: Your theaten levels are getting out of hand, give the church more money.
Sagittarius: Walking on water, and turning water into wine are miracles that can be accomplished through having faith the size of a mustard seed. Too bad your kidney stone is the size of a pumpkin seed, and I have very little faith that it's going to pass through your urethra. Tonight: Get some pain meds, it might not fit, but it's gonna try.
Capricorn: Stick shifts and safety belts, bucket seats all have to go. It's not that I want you close to me when I'm driving, it's that I took out a life insurance policy on you, and a car accident pays out $1,000,000. Tonight: You should see how fast you can get over the pass in this snow storm.
Aquarius: Your motto is "if duct tape can't fix it, it can't be fixed," which is true for plumbing problems, various car maintenance, and various other chores around the house. Wrapping your wife up in duct tape and hoping for the best isn't going to solve your marital issues: Tonight: A single strand placed carefully across her mouth might work temporarily.
Pisces: You have an incredible, and insightful conversation with four very close friends this afternoon. Laughter and the occasional tear will whisk away hours of your time, and you will remember today for the rest of your life. You truly are blessed to have such wonderful individuals in your life. Tonight: Take your schizophrenia meds, you forgot to take them today.
Sunday, December 6, 2009
Someone just lost a turn.
The saying goes around Glenwood Springs, CO. that you don't lose your girlfriend you just lose your turn. There are many reasons for this saying, one being that the guy to girl ratio here is about 8 to 1; but there is one special lady that has been permanently removed from that list. About 6:30 pm mst, on 12/5/2009, Jim Hardcastle, and Mindi Harman tied the knot, and Jim cemented his spot as forever first in line for Mindi's carnival ride.
For those of you that don't know Jim and Mindi, you are truly missing out. They're two individuals who define what it means to be an amazing person, and I couldn't be happier for the adventurous/dorky couple. In my time getting to know these two, I have come to find them as giving, friendly, open-minded, free spirited individuals that would do almost anything asked of them, including giving away their old cell phone because your brand new phone decided to shatter on impact from a three foot fall. (The phone is still working smashingly Jim and I thank you again.) I can't think of another couple that compliments each other so well, and I know that your love and adventures will continue to flourish.
For those of you who weren't able to attend the ceremony, (and I know if they could, they would have had the entire county attend,) it was a beautiful and incredibly creative event. Not only was it a green wedding; with every utensil, platter, and prop either reusable, recyclable, or bio-degradable (hippies), it was unlike any wedding I have ever attended. The tables were decorated with memories, and trail-mix. The food was delicious, and even featured dead animal, which was very kind for the vegetarian combo. There was no tuxedoed groom, or over priced bride's dress that will never be worn again. There was no champagne fountain, or fondue lazy river. The mountain of returnable gifts did not pile to the ceiling, and the guests were not dressed in their most uncomfortable Sunday wear. Even though the bride's brother dawned his finest sports jacket, it was merely covering a cut off t-shirt with a skull. What their wedding lacked in over-priced decadence and cliche tradition, it made up for in originality, and welcoming spirit.
Their slide show gave us a great look into their pasts, and at their horrible fashion sense; though Jim did pull off the knee high stripped socks like a champ. The beautiful locations they've shared together, and wonderful people that surrounded them in the photos gave us a taste of the joyous way that they live their lives. Mindi's Dad shared some very moving words...not because of its content, but because it was structured around the Black Eyed Pea's song "Boom Boom Boom". The best part of the night came when Jim and Mindi exchanged their vows. The words they shared about each other, and their relationship, highlighted just why it is they work so well, and barely left a dry eye in the house. They did not need a justice of the peace to declare that they belong to each other for eternity, rather they took it upon themselves to certify their love.
I had an opportunity to fill out a prayer flag for the couple, an honor that every member had a chance to participate in. Creativity was once again key, and you could fill the flag with a variety of glittered glue-ables, and colorful writing from various calligraphy pens. Instead of asking for gifts and possessions, they asked for prayers and well wishes, that they can take with them for the rest of their lives. Their wedding really spoke about who they are as people. Simple, and kind; welcoming and practical; friendly and fun. Even their pinata held humorous gifts and ended the night with laughter and originality. Although I'm pretty sure I saw a child scoop up a condom, and Cuervo Gold chocolate from the battered paper mache heart, even the prizes from the ancient Mexican tradition held the humor and free-minded spirit that makes these two so unique. I thank them for the opportunity to share with them such a special moment in their lives, and I wish them all the luck and love in their new adventures together as ball and chain.
For those of you that don't know Jim and Mindi, you are truly missing out. They're two individuals who define what it means to be an amazing person, and I couldn't be happier for the adventurous/dorky couple. In my time getting to know these two, I have come to find them as giving, friendly, open-minded, free spirited individuals that would do almost anything asked of them, including giving away their old cell phone because your brand new phone decided to shatter on impact from a three foot fall. (The phone is still working smashingly Jim and I thank you again.) I can't think of another couple that compliments each other so well, and I know that your love and adventures will continue to flourish.
For those of you who weren't able to attend the ceremony, (and I know if they could, they would have had the entire county attend,) it was a beautiful and incredibly creative event. Not only was it a green wedding; with every utensil, platter, and prop either reusable, recyclable, or bio-degradable (hippies), it was unlike any wedding I have ever attended. The tables were decorated with memories, and trail-mix. The food was delicious, and even featured dead animal, which was very kind for the vegetarian combo. There was no tuxedoed groom, or over priced bride's dress that will never be worn again. There was no champagne fountain, or fondue lazy river. The mountain of returnable gifts did not pile to the ceiling, and the guests were not dressed in their most uncomfortable Sunday wear. Even though the bride's brother dawned his finest sports jacket, it was merely covering a cut off t-shirt with a skull. What their wedding lacked in over-priced decadence and cliche tradition, it made up for in originality, and welcoming spirit.
Their slide show gave us a great look into their pasts, and at their horrible fashion sense; though Jim did pull off the knee high stripped socks like a champ. The beautiful locations they've shared together, and wonderful people that surrounded them in the photos gave us a taste of the joyous way that they live their lives. Mindi's Dad shared some very moving words...not because of its content, but because it was structured around the Black Eyed Pea's song "Boom Boom Boom". The best part of the night came when Jim and Mindi exchanged their vows. The words they shared about each other, and their relationship, highlighted just why it is they work so well, and barely left a dry eye in the house. They did not need a justice of the peace to declare that they belong to each other for eternity, rather they took it upon themselves to certify their love.
I had an opportunity to fill out a prayer flag for the couple, an honor that every member had a chance to participate in. Creativity was once again key, and you could fill the flag with a variety of glittered glue-ables, and colorful writing from various calligraphy pens. Instead of asking for gifts and possessions, they asked for prayers and well wishes, that they can take with them for the rest of their lives. Their wedding really spoke about who they are as people. Simple, and kind; welcoming and practical; friendly and fun. Even their pinata held humorous gifts and ended the night with laughter and originality. Although I'm pretty sure I saw a child scoop up a condom, and Cuervo Gold chocolate from the battered paper mache heart, even the prizes from the ancient Mexican tradition held the humor and free-minded spirit that makes these two so unique. I thank them for the opportunity to share with them such a special moment in their lives, and I wish them all the luck and love in their new adventures together as ball and chain.
Friday, December 4, 2009
Horo-scope this shit.
Aries: Listen to your inner voice today. When it tells you not to put your finger in that, listen. When it tells you not to put that in your mouth, it's probably a good idea. When it says that doesn't belong in your ear, you're probably right. I know you're shooting the sequel to your homemade porno entitled "Just put that anywhere", but always listen to yourself. Tonight: Where the ice bath is.
Taurus: You will be enraged today by a joke directed at you yesterday at work. Maybe you do brag about your softball skills at the office, but Bill wasn't complimenting you when he told you that you were a pro at batting switch. Tonight: Hide the weapon, dump the body.
Gemini: Sinner is such a broad term, used throughout humanities existence to describe all sorts of acts that could be questionable to some, but what you did with those twins, sand paper, aloe, molly, whiffle ball bat, and whipped cream definitely falls into the category of sin. Tonight: Find a video camera, call the twins.
Cancer: Turn that frown upside down, there is no need to fret. So you have no job, no friends, no family, no significant other, no money, or possessions, or health for that matter, but what you lack in wealth, you make up for with wasted space. Tonight: Cry-bate?
Leo: Those who oppose your dominance are your enemy and they must be crushed. A combination of Predator drone missiles, Harrier strikes, and AC-130 cover fire will leave your enemies running for cover, and cursing your name in fear. However no matter how much you slaughter your foes, it still would have been a better idea to turn off the X-Box and find a fucking job. Tonight: You really still should shut that fucking thing off.
Virgo: The woman of your dreams will ask you to marry her today. Unfortunately that dream was circa 1999 and Tara Reed really isn't anything you want to be mixed up with anymore. You could close your eyes and imagine it's the Tara Reed of old, but it's really hard to wish away all of her botched plastic surgery scars. Tonight: Ok, close your eyes just this once, but run like Usain Bolt afterwards.
Libra: I know it's hard to read this through the hays of your blunted eyes, but please take head! That is not a scone that you're about to eat, your dog drug that out of the litter box. You should really stop wake n baking, and you really need to clean the litter box. Tonight: You didn't clean the litter box, and you still ate the "scone", whatever, load the bong.
Scorpio: Yes, people's kindness towards you is just a farce. No, not even your mother can really stand you. Yes, that smell is you. No, no one can really can't stand you. Yes, that one girl was probably pity sex. No, I don't have a place on my couch. Yes, you can borrow some rope. No, I won't stop you. Tonight: You mean you didn't go through with it? Man you quit at everything.
Sagittarius: Skip-bo, when it really comes down to it, is a shitty toy. It is, however, very useful in convincing your sister to give you her ice cream. What it lacks in entertainment value it completely redeems itself as a make shift mace. Tonight: Add spikes to the rubber edging, watch what you want on T.V.
Capricorn: Whistle while you work if you want to. Yodelling while you work is a recipe for getting your ass kicked by the neighboring cubicle occupants, both floors above and below you, your boss, and I might throw in a sucker punch just because you deserve it. Tonight: Get some Neosporin, an ice pack, and don't say you weren't warned.
Aquarius: What you gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk? I'll tell you what you should do with all that junk, try and get some exercise and stop being such a fat ass. Seriously, your ankles look like they're connected to you knees by PVC pipe. Tonight: Start with some cardio, followed with some crunches and lunges.
Pisces: Change is the only thing that stays constant. Lets hope so, because you look like an orange had inbred sex with a Ken doll. I know you think you look good in those chest hair revealing button down sleeveless shirts, spiked hair, fake tan, cheap gold chain, and whitened teeth, but in reality you put the ouche in douche. Tonight: Get turpentine, a sewing kit, shampoo, and cigarettes. Figure out the rest.
Taurus: You will be enraged today by a joke directed at you yesterday at work. Maybe you do brag about your softball skills at the office, but Bill wasn't complimenting you when he told you that you were a pro at batting switch. Tonight: Hide the weapon, dump the body.
Gemini: Sinner is such a broad term, used throughout humanities existence to describe all sorts of acts that could be questionable to some, but what you did with those twins, sand paper, aloe, molly, whiffle ball bat, and whipped cream definitely falls into the category of sin. Tonight: Find a video camera, call the twins.
Cancer: Turn that frown upside down, there is no need to fret. So you have no job, no friends, no family, no significant other, no money, or possessions, or health for that matter, but what you lack in wealth, you make up for with wasted space. Tonight: Cry-bate?
Leo: Those who oppose your dominance are your enemy and they must be crushed. A combination of Predator drone missiles, Harrier strikes, and AC-130 cover fire will leave your enemies running for cover, and cursing your name in fear. However no matter how much you slaughter your foes, it still would have been a better idea to turn off the X-Box and find a fucking job. Tonight: You really still should shut that fucking thing off.
Virgo: The woman of your dreams will ask you to marry her today. Unfortunately that dream was circa 1999 and Tara Reed really isn't anything you want to be mixed up with anymore. You could close your eyes and imagine it's the Tara Reed of old, but it's really hard to wish away all of her botched plastic surgery scars. Tonight: Ok, close your eyes just this once, but run like Usain Bolt afterwards.
Libra: I know it's hard to read this through the hays of your blunted eyes, but please take head! That is not a scone that you're about to eat, your dog drug that out of the litter box. You should really stop wake n baking, and you really need to clean the litter box. Tonight: You didn't clean the litter box, and you still ate the "scone", whatever, load the bong.
Scorpio: Yes, people's kindness towards you is just a farce. No, not even your mother can really stand you. Yes, that smell is you. No, no one can really can't stand you. Yes, that one girl was probably pity sex. No, I don't have a place on my couch. Yes, you can borrow some rope. No, I won't stop you. Tonight: You mean you didn't go through with it? Man you quit at everything.
Sagittarius: Skip-bo, when it really comes down to it, is a shitty toy. It is, however, very useful in convincing your sister to give you her ice cream. What it lacks in entertainment value it completely redeems itself as a make shift mace. Tonight: Add spikes to the rubber edging, watch what you want on T.V.
Capricorn: Whistle while you work if you want to. Yodelling while you work is a recipe for getting your ass kicked by the neighboring cubicle occupants, both floors above and below you, your boss, and I might throw in a sucker punch just because you deserve it. Tonight: Get some Neosporin, an ice pack, and don't say you weren't warned.
Aquarius: What you gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk? I'll tell you what you should do with all that junk, try and get some exercise and stop being such a fat ass. Seriously, your ankles look like they're connected to you knees by PVC pipe. Tonight: Start with some cardio, followed with some crunches and lunges.
Pisces: Change is the only thing that stays constant. Lets hope so, because you look like an orange had inbred sex with a Ken doll. I know you think you look good in those chest hair revealing button down sleeveless shirts, spiked hair, fake tan, cheap gold chain, and whitened teeth, but in reality you put the ouche in douche. Tonight: Get turpentine, a sewing kit, shampoo, and cigarettes. Figure out the rest.
Horo-scope this shit.
Aries: 90% of accidents happen in your own home, or in your case 90% happens while you're sleeping in your own bed. Why do you think 10% of your friends won't let you sleep on their couch? Tonight: Lay down some plastic, don't drink anything before bed.
Taurus: You are incredibly versatile this week. There is nothing you can't do or accomplish. Perhaps the time has finally come to get the circle shape in it's correct spot, instead of jamming it through the square. Tonight: Still trying eh? Keep going, persistence always pays off.
Gemini: So you finally popped your cherry, good for you jack. Really though, you should re-think tattooing mission accomplished on your genitals. There is still work to be done. Tonight: Get some scent free lotion, and keep the protective plastic on if you can. It was still a bad idea.
Cancer: The term "thrown into the deep end to see if you can swim" is a metaphor of challenging yourself. It's cruel to tie rocks to your neighbor's cat and toss him into your swimming pool. Tonight: Go to the animal shelter, try and find a calico with the same markings.
Leo: You will win the lottery today! Unfortunately it's your church's baked goods lottery, and Mrs. Johnson's cookies taste of cigarette butts, and Vaseline. I don't know what she does while she bakes, but I guess you have confession for a reason. Tonight: Call Mrs. Johnson, see what she's up to.
Virgo: Your charming ways continues to win over that special someone. However it's probably in your best interests to try and find a significant other outside of the ice cream social at the local high school. Not just for emotional reasons, but that's six to ten. Tonight: Deny the accusations, turn down the prom invite.
Libra: Your favorite Nickleback, U2, Lady Gaga, Sting, Hansen Brothers, and Hootie and the Blowfish tunes play on a continuous loop today on the radio. Yes, to answer your question, this is the seventh level of hell. You probably should have been a better person while you were alive.
Tonight: What ever Satan has in store. Sucks to be you.
Scorpio: Punching babies and kittens might be one of your favorite pastimes, but don't forget that it's easier on your knuckles if you use elbows instead. Tonight: Buy brass knuckles and elbow pads.
Sagittarius: If God kills a kitten every time you masturbate, I'm not sure what he kills when you do that. I'm not judging, but I'm pretty sure most of the plagues and famine on Earth are solely do to what ever that is your doing with the Wii controller. Tonight: Wash your hands and the controller.
Capricorn: You can wish in one hand or shit in another, either way your life is going to be filled with fists full of feces, and unfulfilled dreams. Tonight: Aim lower, find a toilet.
Aquarius: Lightning can strike twice, or in your case fifteen times in a matter of seconds. I'm not sure what you did to piss the big guy off, but he sure wanted you dead. Tonight: Refer to Libra's night.
Pisces: Midgets are people too. I know it's fun to see if they can fit in various airtight containers, but what do you think dwarfs and Asians are for? Tonight: Get an old fridge, find an Asian.
Taurus: You are incredibly versatile this week. There is nothing you can't do or accomplish. Perhaps the time has finally come to get the circle shape in it's correct spot, instead of jamming it through the square. Tonight: Still trying eh? Keep going, persistence always pays off.
Gemini: So you finally popped your cherry, good for you jack. Really though, you should re-think tattooing mission accomplished on your genitals. There is still work to be done. Tonight: Get some scent free lotion, and keep the protective plastic on if you can. It was still a bad idea.
Cancer: The term "thrown into the deep end to see if you can swim" is a metaphor of challenging yourself. It's cruel to tie rocks to your neighbor's cat and toss him into your swimming pool. Tonight: Go to the animal shelter, try and find a calico with the same markings.
Leo: You will win the lottery today! Unfortunately it's your church's baked goods lottery, and Mrs. Johnson's cookies taste of cigarette butts, and Vaseline. I don't know what she does while she bakes, but I guess you have confession for a reason. Tonight: Call Mrs. Johnson, see what she's up to.
Virgo: Your charming ways continues to win over that special someone. However it's probably in your best interests to try and find a significant other outside of the ice cream social at the local high school. Not just for emotional reasons, but that's six to ten. Tonight: Deny the accusations, turn down the prom invite.
Libra: Your favorite Nickleback, U2, Lady Gaga, Sting, Hansen Brothers, and Hootie and the Blowfish tunes play on a continuous loop today on the radio. Yes, to answer your question, this is the seventh level of hell. You probably should have been a better person while you were alive.
Tonight: What ever Satan has in store. Sucks to be you.
Scorpio: Punching babies and kittens might be one of your favorite pastimes, but don't forget that it's easier on your knuckles if you use elbows instead. Tonight: Buy brass knuckles and elbow pads.
Sagittarius: If God kills a kitten every time you masturbate, I'm not sure what he kills when you do that. I'm not judging, but I'm pretty sure most of the plagues and famine on Earth are solely do to what ever that is your doing with the Wii controller. Tonight: Wash your hands and the controller.
Capricorn: You can wish in one hand or shit in another, either way your life is going to be filled with fists full of feces, and unfulfilled dreams. Tonight: Aim lower, find a toilet.
Aquarius: Lightning can strike twice, or in your case fifteen times in a matter of seconds. I'm not sure what you did to piss the big guy off, but he sure wanted you dead. Tonight: Refer to Libra's night.
Pisces: Midgets are people too. I know it's fun to see if they can fit in various airtight containers, but what do you think dwarfs and Asians are for? Tonight: Get an old fridge, find an Asian.
Anyone ever think we're here for God's entertainment?
I know you've thought the same thing at one point in your life. You've searched your soul for the answers of the Universe...thought to yourself I must have a purpose, life can't be a mistake, there is something greater than I orchestrating this symphony of life; only to have a slight feeling that God is just bored.
If you don't believe in God that's fine, there is no intrinsic proof of its existence, only feelings, faith, and ancient texts attesting to its presence. (I say it, because I think attributing a gender to God is a bit ignorant, unless the devil is the other half, and I wager that Satan would be male in that case.) Of course this brings in the question of good and evil; and that is a philosophical tangent far longer than I care to dive into however.
If God does exists, I think he has an eternal bag of popcorn, and Jesus, Gandhi, Siddhartha, Muhammad, David Koresh, Micheal Jackson, Bing Crosby, Eminem's career and the rest of the deceased gang are floating around laughing their asses off at the daily events on Earth. We're just plain entertainment for consciousness beyond the physical.
I began to get this feeling watching various videos online, on assorted sites like Youtube.com, and Break.com. Videos that include red necks getting knocked out cold trying to tight rope walk the top bar on a swing set wasted; or kids crushing their face into the ground trying to do a front flip from some elevated position; or losing their ability to procreate attempting a standard kick flip. Yes it is painful for the individual rupturing his left testicle, but then again, to the innocent by-stander, that shit is funny. I don't know about the rest of you, but I for one get amusement out of watching people mangle themselves' in self inflicted moments of stupidity. It's not just moments of individual suffering either, but also the hilarious things children say, the touching moments when a father returns from military service, or being present when a man awakes from a 25 year coma.
These moments seem few and far between in our own day to day existence, but with the wonders of the Internet, we get to enjoy the blunders, achievements, dare devil attempts, reunions, and creative wonders of individuals around the globe; and it dawned on me that God has gotten to enjoy these moments since the beginning of time. She hasn't missed a single face plant, panda sneeze, gun recoil to the face, meteor exploding in our atmosphere, or child holding in an urgent piss in right field. That lucky bastard has gotten to see it all, and I for one can't help but think eternity was getting a little boring for the spirit in the sky. It doesn't just involve humans either. All it takes is a single episode of Discovery's "Planet Earth" to see that this planet must have been one entertaining orb to create. The diversity and wonders of the existence of life on this planet still baffles every neuron in my head (so at least six) and I stand in awe of the complexity and creative genius that could even fathom such an existence as this.
Ok, so there are plenty of things that aren't so entertaining on Earth, and there are many things that people do to each other, that is no laughing matter; War and violence being the front runner on that list. Starvation, disease, hatred, cruelty and any other undeserved suffering fits the bill as well. However I see these cancers as harsh lessons we must endure until we figure out that we aren't a bunch of individuals wandering this planet; it's not every man, nation, and continent for themselves, but one Earth putting on the greatest show in the Universe; a show that we will all get to enjoy when the time comes.
Many see heaven as a clouded kingdom in the sky, with golden streets, pearly gates, crystal streams, or seventy two virgins that they get to ravage for eternity, but I see heaven in a far different light. Heaven is when our consciousness reaches the point that we see beyond our individual selves, join that which is greater than I, and we see that everything is eternal, including ourselves. Our jokes, our achievements, our laughter, and our love; our hatred, our violence, our anger, our suffering, lives forever in the pages of time. We will be third person observers with no pain, suffering, or self interested ego filtering what we see. We'll get to grab some of that divine popcorn, and cruise the history books. You can check out whatever you want. You can even get the statistics on who masturbated the most in history, or what its like to see the sunrise, and sun set all at the same time. I, for one, think I'll avoid the two girls one cup afternoon, but whatever you choose to watch is on you. People spend their time doing some rather intersting and/or disgusting things, but that is part of life, and those individuals own choice.
What ever story you want to write with your time here is your business, and please keep attempting the kick flips, mini bike jumps, base jumps, parody songs, Chuck Norris jokes, film projects, and practical jokes; because if I don't get to see it now, I sure as hell am going to watch it when I check out of this meat jacket.
Of course I could be completely wrong, heaven's gate could have been the only ticket to eternity, and the rest of us are screwed. The biggest sign to me that God has a sense of humor is that we don't really find out if there is meaning to this life until we die. The biggest key is to know that we really know nothing, and if you can't control something, you might as well enjoy the ride.
If you don't believe in God that's fine, there is no intrinsic proof of its existence, only feelings, faith, and ancient texts attesting to its presence. (I say it, because I think attributing a gender to God is a bit ignorant, unless the devil is the other half, and I wager that Satan would be male in that case.) Of course this brings in the question of good and evil; and that is a philosophical tangent far longer than I care to dive into however.
If God does exists, I think he has an eternal bag of popcorn, and Jesus, Gandhi, Siddhartha, Muhammad, David Koresh, Micheal Jackson, Bing Crosby, Eminem's career and the rest of the deceased gang are floating around laughing their asses off at the daily events on Earth. We're just plain entertainment for consciousness beyond the physical.
I began to get this feeling watching various videos online, on assorted sites like Youtube.com, and Break.com. Videos that include red necks getting knocked out cold trying to tight rope walk the top bar on a swing set wasted; or kids crushing their face into the ground trying to do a front flip from some elevated position; or losing their ability to procreate attempting a standard kick flip. Yes it is painful for the individual rupturing his left testicle, but then again, to the innocent by-stander, that shit is funny. I don't know about the rest of you, but I for one get amusement out of watching people mangle themselves' in self inflicted moments of stupidity. It's not just moments of individual suffering either, but also the hilarious things children say, the touching moments when a father returns from military service, or being present when a man awakes from a 25 year coma.
These moments seem few and far between in our own day to day existence, but with the wonders of the Internet, we get to enjoy the blunders, achievements, dare devil attempts, reunions, and creative wonders of individuals around the globe; and it dawned on me that God has gotten to enjoy these moments since the beginning of time. She hasn't missed a single face plant, panda sneeze, gun recoil to the face, meteor exploding in our atmosphere, or child holding in an urgent piss in right field. That lucky bastard has gotten to see it all, and I for one can't help but think eternity was getting a little boring for the spirit in the sky. It doesn't just involve humans either. All it takes is a single episode of Discovery's "Planet Earth" to see that this planet must have been one entertaining orb to create. The diversity and wonders of the existence of life on this planet still baffles every neuron in my head (so at least six) and I stand in awe of the complexity and creative genius that could even fathom such an existence as this.
Ok, so there are plenty of things that aren't so entertaining on Earth, and there are many things that people do to each other, that is no laughing matter; War and violence being the front runner on that list. Starvation, disease, hatred, cruelty and any other undeserved suffering fits the bill as well. However I see these cancers as harsh lessons we must endure until we figure out that we aren't a bunch of individuals wandering this planet; it's not every man, nation, and continent for themselves, but one Earth putting on the greatest show in the Universe; a show that we will all get to enjoy when the time comes.
Many see heaven as a clouded kingdom in the sky, with golden streets, pearly gates, crystal streams, or seventy two virgins that they get to ravage for eternity, but I see heaven in a far different light. Heaven is when our consciousness reaches the point that we see beyond our individual selves, join that which is greater than I, and we see that everything is eternal, including ourselves. Our jokes, our achievements, our laughter, and our love; our hatred, our violence, our anger, our suffering, lives forever in the pages of time. We will be third person observers with no pain, suffering, or self interested ego filtering what we see. We'll get to grab some of that divine popcorn, and cruise the history books. You can check out whatever you want. You can even get the statistics on who masturbated the most in history, or what its like to see the sunrise, and sun set all at the same time. I, for one, think I'll avoid the two girls one cup afternoon, but whatever you choose to watch is on you. People spend their time doing some rather intersting and/or disgusting things, but that is part of life, and those individuals own choice.
What ever story you want to write with your time here is your business, and please keep attempting the kick flips, mini bike jumps, base jumps, parody songs, Chuck Norris jokes, film projects, and practical jokes; because if I don't get to see it now, I sure as hell am going to watch it when I check out of this meat jacket.
Of course I could be completely wrong, heaven's gate could have been the only ticket to eternity, and the rest of us are screwed. The biggest sign to me that God has a sense of humor is that we don't really find out if there is meaning to this life until we die. The biggest key is to know that we really know nothing, and if you can't control something, you might as well enjoy the ride.
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Tiger Woods has never been dedicated to just one hole.
Tiger Woods is a master on focusing on more holes than just one, so when people act shocked that he has multiple mistresses, I have to call bullshit. He's rich, he's famous, and on any given day, I wager he could dominate 36 holes and still have time for his wife.
People are saying that his legacy is now tainted, that he has ruined his image in the public eye, but that is no where near the truth. He will continue to establish himself as not only the world's greatest golfer, but the best the game has ever known. He will continue to make millions of dollars, and travel the world playing one of the hardest games to ever master; all it will cost him is $168 careless driving ticket, a big chunk out of his pre-nup, and maybe a few endorsements. Not that big of a deal for the first billionaire sports figure.
Honestly, this fits in perfectly with his squeaky clean image. Yes he crashed his Escalade, possibly running from his 9 iron wielding wife, but this is pretty tame for sports figure fuck ups. He's not on trail for rape, he didn't torture hundreds of pit bulls for profit and blood lust, he doesn't have to retire from the game for a gambling habit, he didn't kill another player in a high speed crash, he didn't stab a guy outside a night club, he didn't even shoot himself with his own Glock that was hidden in his sweat pants. I, for one, think Tiger can do better. Maybe go for misdemeanor next time, or at least a class one petty offense. His crime really isn't on par for being the greatest golfer that has ever lived. Other greats, keep everything great it seems.
No, Tiger really bogied on his first gash to his image, or maybe even tripple bogied as it would seem as of right now. One thing I do know, when Tiger fucks up he always seems to recover. He may have sliced this one into a tree; but all he has to do is play out of his wife's ruff, reach the green in a couple of more tournaments, and sink his putts into the only hole that has given him two children.
People are saying that his legacy is now tainted, that he has ruined his image in the public eye, but that is no where near the truth. He will continue to establish himself as not only the world's greatest golfer, but the best the game has ever known. He will continue to make millions of dollars, and travel the world playing one of the hardest games to ever master; all it will cost him is $168 careless driving ticket, a big chunk out of his pre-nup, and maybe a few endorsements. Not that big of a deal for the first billionaire sports figure.
Honestly, this fits in perfectly with his squeaky clean image. Yes he crashed his Escalade, possibly running from his 9 iron wielding wife, but this is pretty tame for sports figure fuck ups. He's not on trail for rape, he didn't torture hundreds of pit bulls for profit and blood lust, he doesn't have to retire from the game for a gambling habit, he didn't kill another player in a high speed crash, he didn't stab a guy outside a night club, he didn't even shoot himself with his own Glock that was hidden in his sweat pants. I, for one, think Tiger can do better. Maybe go for misdemeanor next time, or at least a class one petty offense. His crime really isn't on par for being the greatest golfer that has ever lived. Other greats, keep everything great it seems.
No, Tiger really bogied on his first gash to his image, or maybe even tripple bogied as it would seem as of right now. One thing I do know, when Tiger fucks up he always seems to recover. He may have sliced this one into a tree; but all he has to do is play out of his wife's ruff, reach the green in a couple of more tournaments, and sink his putts into the only hole that has given him two children.
Horoscope this shit.
Aries: The reoccurring ring in your ears has yet to dissipate, but your strategy of shoving sharp objects in there is only making matters worse. Tonight: Hide anything that fits in your ear canal.
Taurus: Today will be the best day of your life. It's all down hill from here. Some say you should never give up, but those people don't know how shitty your life really is. Tonight: Might as well party, it's gonna suck tomorrow.
Gemini: You keep telling yourself it's merely a rash, but rashes usually don't stick around for eight years. They also usually don't make things fall off. Tonight: Call a doctor, put that on ice.
Cancer: Going to the dentist is kind of a drag, unfortunately that is the only bright side of getting your teeth kicked in today. Tonight: Buy soft foods, throw away tooth brush.
Leo: Your giving spirit is crushed when the bum wipes his crotch with the peanut butter and honey sandwich you gave him, and throws it back into the window of your car. Probably should have just given him the change in your center console. Tonight: Make another sandwich, put $100 inside you, and then inside the sandwich.
Virgo: You can't become a born again virgin every day. The pez dispenser full of morning after pills suits you far better. Tonight: Call planned parenthood, and close your legs.
Libra: No matter how many times you get hurt, having sex in your iron maiden is really spicing up your terrible sex life. This time, the pain is only physical. Tonight: Remove the gauze, do it again.
Scorpio: Quit being an asshole. Seriously dickhead, stop it. Tonight: You're still an asshole.
Sagittarius: Getting a taste of your own medicine is just karma at it's best. Maybe you should have just stuck to producing meth, instead of testing your own product. And no, I don't have any money you can borrow, and no you can't watch my kids this weekend. Tonight: Pick at your face, rock back and forth, don't eat, don't sleep,...well you know the rest.
Capricorn: OK, so you have the ruby red slippers, and yes you can click them together three times, but why would you want to go back to that shitty double wide anyways? Tonight: See, I told you not to click them, now try to avoid your husband, and don't flush the toilet.
Aquarius: Bathing every day is a good hygienic habit. Bathing in the knock-off coolwater cologne you bought in bulk on-line is not. Tonight: Shower God damn it, and throw away that cologne.
Pisces: Ok, so a retarded chimp may be able to do your job, and your boss might be good at telling you so, but keep your chin up, he has hepatitis C! Tonight: Look for another job, or kill the chimp they just bought.
Taurus: Today will be the best day of your life. It's all down hill from here. Some say you should never give up, but those people don't know how shitty your life really is. Tonight: Might as well party, it's gonna suck tomorrow.
Gemini: You keep telling yourself it's merely a rash, but rashes usually don't stick around for eight years. They also usually don't make things fall off. Tonight: Call a doctor, put that on ice.
Cancer: Going to the dentist is kind of a drag, unfortunately that is the only bright side of getting your teeth kicked in today. Tonight: Buy soft foods, throw away tooth brush.
Leo: Your giving spirit is crushed when the bum wipes his crotch with the peanut butter and honey sandwich you gave him, and throws it back into the window of your car. Probably should have just given him the change in your center console. Tonight: Make another sandwich, put $100 inside you, and then inside the sandwich.
Virgo: You can't become a born again virgin every day. The pez dispenser full of morning after pills suits you far better. Tonight: Call planned parenthood, and close your legs.
Libra: No matter how many times you get hurt, having sex in your iron maiden is really spicing up your terrible sex life. This time, the pain is only physical. Tonight: Remove the gauze, do it again.
Scorpio: Quit being an asshole. Seriously dickhead, stop it. Tonight: You're still an asshole.
Sagittarius: Getting a taste of your own medicine is just karma at it's best. Maybe you should have just stuck to producing meth, instead of testing your own product. And no, I don't have any money you can borrow, and no you can't watch my kids this weekend. Tonight: Pick at your face, rock back and forth, don't eat, don't sleep,...well you know the rest.
Capricorn: OK, so you have the ruby red slippers, and yes you can click them together three times, but why would you want to go back to that shitty double wide anyways? Tonight: See, I told you not to click them, now try to avoid your husband, and don't flush the toilet.
Aquarius: Bathing every day is a good hygienic habit. Bathing in the knock-off coolwater cologne you bought in bulk on-line is not. Tonight: Shower God damn it, and throw away that cologne.
Pisces: Ok, so a retarded chimp may be able to do your job, and your boss might be good at telling you so, but keep your chin up, he has hepatitis C! Tonight: Look for another job, or kill the chimp they just bought.
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