Aries: Today will be a very eventful day for you! It starts with a breakfast big enough to feed 20. You find the energy to watch both Good Morning America, and the View. After a brief nap, you manage to shift violently enough to get the bed sores on your legs, heels, ass, and back to be replaced by an unscathed portion of your gelatinous skin. All in all I'd say it's a success. Tonight: Play your favorite game: which folds of skin still retain feeling?
Taurus: Gandhi said that: "if you want the world to change, be that change." Unfortunately, I don't think the world is going to become a toothless, drag queen, transvestite, peg legged hooker over night, but you keep on truckin. Tonight: Gum some hamburger helper, sharpen your leg.
Gemini: You like your snow like you like your cock: Clean, white, at least a foot, and everywhere. Merry Christmas you son of a bitch, now go have some fun. Tonight: Break out the snowboard and the lube, Christmas comes twice today.
Cancer: Your patience is wearing thin with the close talker at the end of your hall. He does have some interesting stories once every two years, but your situation is nothing a good throat punch can't fix. Tonight: He's still laying at the end of the hall? Well punch him again just to make sure.
Leo: Heaven is a place on Earth, but hell is in your studio apartment. Seriously, when is the last time you cleaned that place? It looks like Detroit took a shit in your living room. I'm not sure if you sleep on that mattress, but it's definitely the final resting place for various bodily fluids, bed bugs, mold, and what ever that sticky lump is in the top left corner. Tonight: If you don't have fire insurance, get some; and then make it look like an accident.
Virgo: Spin class is actually referring to a place where people ride a stationary bike for an hour or two. They will probably call the cops if you show up spun out of your mind, and try to steal all of the towels and toilet paper. Tonight: Your heart racing because you're too high doesn't count as a work out.
Libra: It's true that there are other fish in the sea, but you live in a shallow swamp and it looks like there is nothing left but mud puppies, toads and leaches. You can't complain though; you're not exactly a prize catch either. Tonight: Brushing your teeth might be a good first step towards attracting the next parasite.
Scorpio: Another night and another black out. You have no idea what happened last night, but there are various clues to your whereabouts. Check receipts for money spent, the mud on the back of your pants smells of a dumpster, most likely from an alley, and either you slipped and fell fingers first into some spoiled salmon, or that nightmare wasn't a nightmare. Tonight: Buy Bacardi 151, pour it on your fingers, light a match.
Sagittarius: Parachute pants merely describes how baggy those silky, over sized garments look, but for the worlds sake I encourage your idea of jumping off that 1,000 foot cliff wearing that 1980's masterpiece. I don't think they will deploy and save your life, but the world will be rid of two very bad eye sores. Tonight: Kris Kross will make you, Jump! Jump!
Capricorn: I know it hurts right now; try spitting on it. Tonight: It's going to be hard to sit down.
Aquarius: Why is it a shock to you that your family tree goes straight up, with a slight lean to the left? Look at the bright side, those flippers have made you an excellent swimmer. Tonight: Break up with your cousin.
Pisces: Bench pressing a Volkswagen is an impressive feat. Smashing everything in your house, including your girlfriends jaw when your Tivo doesn't record what you want, is the price you pay when you shoot up with horse steroids. Tonight: Pop some zits, lifts some weights, get so angry that you cry when the slightest thing doesn't go your way.
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