Horo-scope this shit.

Aries: The morning starts out with a bang, and fizzles out in the afternoon. Your day might seem anti-climactic, but if you prefer to not make this a trend; then don't start your day off with three hours of sitting on your sybian, and watching "Sex in the City." Tonight: Fire up the sybian and eat some ice cream.




Taurus: This might be a day that forever lives in infamy in your book, but Pearl Harbor definitely beats out your level 45 orc, being killed during a sneak attack by a level 23 Elf . Your world may have just been shattered, but your world is nerdy and gay. Tonight: Masturbate until you chafe to the virtual elf's embellished cleavage.



Gemini: If you liked it then you should have put a ring on it is your motto. However you're a gold digging whore who chases men for money and not love. Too bad he figured you out before you cashed in. Tonight: That guy in the corner looks like he's worth a lot of money. Push up the girls, and go pay the rent.



Cancer: Your Tiger Claw, and Dragon Fist are no match for his Uzi and hand grenade. Tonight: Did your martial arts class ever teach you how to remove shrapnel from flesh?



Leo: You would not eat them on a train, you would not eat them on a plane, you would not eat them in a car, you would not eat them in a bar, but you have no problem eating your boogers when no one is looking. Tonight: There are people around, but use the stealthy pick, finger roll, pop in mouth minutes later technique. Works like a charm.



Virgo: You've become hopelessly lost in a desolate wilderness with nothing but a pocket knife, some rope, the clothes on your back, and enough water for a three hour hike, good thing you watch a whole lot of Man Vs. Wild. It's time to put some of Bear Grills' techniques to use, and get to safety. Tonight: You're dead. Turns out Bear Grills does a bunch of stupid shit that would never help you survive in these situations, sorry.



Libra: You're pregnant. That sucks. Tonight: No need for birth control now, not that you ever use it.



Scorpio: Swimming was never your forte, but avoiding drowning in one foot of water just requires you to stand up. That will teach you not to drink while you're in the bath tub. Tonight: Does anyone know CPR?



Sagittarius: Just because the person next to you looks like they have a glazed over look about their eyes, doesn't mean you should try and eat them. Seriously fatty, practice some self control. Tonight: Your fridge is empty, time to purge.



Capricorn: There's nothing sexier than a massive dip, a dooly truck, a gun rack, and a freshly killed carcas in the back. At least in your mind there isn't. Do some laps around the trailer park, you never know who's watching. Tonight: Watch Urban Cowboy for the 1,000th time.



Aquarius: You can argue until your blue in the face, but there is no way that Raphael is the coolest ninja turtle. Seriously Sai's? What kind of weapon is that? Tonight: I'm sure you'll do something lame.



Pisces: Shake that money maker like someone's bout to pay ya. You're doing a real good job of shaking, but good luck finding someone to pay for that. Tonight: Your jiggle is mesmerizing, kind of like watching a lava lamp.